sif anyone cares.

dont want to sound melodramatic and crap, but i seriously think no one gives a shit about me.
if i died right now, sure family would be sad for a while, but eventually the will get over it.
sure maybe my boyfriend will be down for a while, but he's strong and determined, he'll find someone new and have a better life.
whats the point really?
whats the point in trying to survive everyday if its so fucking hard to even wake up and smile?
whats the point in faking that your happy everyday?
whats the point in living if all your friends and support you had from people has vanished and they dont even give a shit to even say "hi" anymore?
what is the fucking point?
















i really want to just cut now.
i want to run far far away.
then i want to die.
by myself.
alone.
i want to rest.
i'm so tired.
rest in peace.
please.

100th post. last?

i've decided to make a new blog. or a tumblr. im not sure yet.
well exams have finally finished (my last exam was a breeze beacause i did so many past exams to revise that the questions were exactly the same as a past exam, i was LOL'ing on the inside the whole time and saying "suckers" to everyone else in my head. yeah i'm retarded.)
i didnt do as well as i wanted in my exams
fucking maths.
i wanted to cry.
but then the real blame here is mia.
fucking errrrrrrrrgh!
i know its probably me thats the problem.
i'm trying so hard to stop it.
for over 2 months now.
everyfucking day b/p.
its killing me.
i am going to stop.
and in order to stop
i need a new routine.
new me.
new everything.
so i'm deciding on a new blog.
new study routine,
new workout routine
new eating routine
new thinking.
i dont want to think that i'm stupid/ugly/disgusting/huge/fat/whale/gross/idiot all the time
it hurts so much.
i want to keep losing weight.
another 3 kilos and i'll be happy.
im at 49 now.
just 46 and i'll be fine with my weight.
i'm actually fine with it now.
i've never been this low.
im just not fine with the way i'm maintaining it.
so i need a new plan.
to start again.
oh my boyfriend didnt leave me. stress of the exams. i understand, it really killed me to see him down. i'm glad their over and we're as stronger as ever. i love being with him. he's amazing.
and also another reason why i want to stop this madness.
i keep missing out opportunities to talk to him because i'm busy eating or getting it out. its killing me because this disease will eventually make him leave. and i dont want him too. and i dont want him to know.
if i ever tell him, i'd want to be out of this mess. i'd want this mess to be years away from me before i tell him. so i have to.
and family is getting sus. i mean i eat HUGE amounts and i'm losing weight? wtf. LOL
but yeah
so i guess this is goodbye other half. i dont want another half of me.
its just me. all me.
pure.
no more demons.
i'll fight you all.
it kills me to know that there are millions of people who are in the same situation as i'm in. i cry when i see theres so many members on a eating disorder site or forum. its just so sad.
so i'm going to try my best.
to be better.
thinner.
smarter.
better,
me.

so farewell blog. you were there when i needed you. love to all the girls struggling with an eating disorder. i wish you all well! you girls are strong, dealing with this. so brave. we are strong. we can beat it. dont let it take control. it'd consume you completely and its definately not worth it if you lose everything you love. <3 xxx
p.s for those who have read my blogs, i thank you. i was amazed when i got 1 follower, and every comment, would make me feel so happy. so thanks lovelies. yous are awesome.

K.

i dont want to lose him.

i havnt blogged in a while.
been having exams.
still b/p
and now
i think i might lose the most important person in my life.

maybe its exams.
but i cant help but think its me.
because thats the only thing that makes sense.
i'm shit.
i'm worthless.
i'm ugly.
i'm stupid.
i'm fat.
he's finally realised.

i'm so scared.
no more iloveyous
no more imissyous 5 min after seeing him
no more i wana see you
no more love in his eyes.

i wont be able to deal with it if he breaks up with me.
i gave him everything.
i knew it wasn't enough, but i always went to my extreme limits to give him what he wants.
why cant i be good enough ?
i hate myself so much.
and i cant bear the thought of him hating me too.

i love him so much.
i wont be able to handle it without him.

i just cant do it.
it'd kill me.
i'd start cutting.
i already want to cut.
he wont notice.
he doesn't notice me anymore,
he said he wont put anyone above me
he said i'll always come first.
but he lied.
i'm the last one he goes to.
even if i'm standing there by myself.
he's with his friends 2 feet behind me.
andnothing.

i dont regret loving him.
but what if its a mistake?
what if this is what kills me?
what if it was all just a game?

"i love you"
"it's hard to be away from you"
"i miss you already"
"your the most important to me"
"your mine."

i am his. why did i become so dependent on him ?
i knew only fools depended on other people, beacuase everyone will always, always. no matter who they are, disappoint you. fail you.
it was so difficult to accept that i've become vulnerable again.
i dont want to slip back into depression.
it was so awful.
and all because of love.


i dont know what to do.
i need help.
help me.


Dear C-
you'll never read this. but just know, everyday, everynight, i think of you constantly. i worry about you. whether you've had enough rest, whether everythings alright at home, whether you've eaten. i just want you to know, i've never loved anyone as much as i love you. you mean so much to me, losing you, would be the end of the world to me. the thought of it scares me to hell. and when i think of it i just want to die. i dont want to be without you. it hurts to be even one cm away from you. it hurts so much when you ignore me when your friends are there. its like i'm non-existant. its like you dont love me. its like you dont even know me. i can feel pain ripple through me. it cuts so deep. but i'm okay with it. i like it when your with your friends. even if you have to ignore me. i mean they were there when i wasnt. way before i was in the picture. so it's okay. i dont mind. i love you so much and i want to keep you all to myself, but everyone needs time for others. they cant just stick with one person every minute of everyday. i mean i get sick of me too. of course you'd hate to be with me every second. i understand. but what is going on? i understand about exams, im stressed too. but why are you treating me like i did something wrong? did i ? why cant you tell me? do you know how much it hurts? to have you speak one word responses? to see the cold distand way you talk to me? do you know how much it hurt today to look you in the eye? and notice something was definately different?
its like being plunged into icy water.
being stabbed with a knife
its like falling down, when you've missed a step on the stairs
its like being winded
you promised me you'd love me always.
and even if i did believe you, i found it hard because i was way too lucky to deserve you.
but i believed you. and i cant take that faith back.
it hurts. and i'd rather die then deal with the pain.
i'm sorry if i've misintepreted everything.
i'm sorry for believeing you if you didnt mean it.
but you were so goddamn convincing.
please just tell me if its me.
please just end it now then if thats what you want.
dont drag it on.
dont not talk to me.
i'm dying please.
i love you.

99% fat free italian salad dressing has 26 calories one serving.

Mum "you do know thats fattening right?"

you know what mum? fuck you. yeah i'm going to gain 100000000000000kilos when i have 3 servings of salad dressing yeah?
i'm gona be fat.
and then overweight.
and then obese.
and then i'll die of fatness yeah?

when i die of this disease, when i'm puking up salad dressing and lettuce 5 times a day. i hope you regret this comment.
i really do.
you have no idea how fucking painful that was.
you have no fucking idea what i'm going through.
















i am in the worst state in my life. binging and purging everyday. everything is shit. i hate myself. i'm pretty certain, if this continues, i'm going to die very soon.

im fucked in the head. in other news, i didnt binge for the first time in over a month

maybe its not easy.
but its simpler to say everything fine/perfect/okay/good
then to explain in pages and pages of words that everything isnt fine/perfect/okay/good in intricate detail.

havnt updated in a while

well, this month has been utterly crap. i've b/p everyday more then 2 times. funny enough, i never lost my gag reflex. i was waiting for it to fuck off so i wouldnt be able to do it. but its become so easy now to purge. i hate it. the lies. the sleepless nights. the hours wasted. the chainsaw throat. the bloodshot eyes. im dying internally.
but i still cant seem to stop. its become apart of me now, and some days, i actually look forward to do it. how insane is that? maybe i am insane.

ah well, the only good thing in my life right now is my boyfriend. i feel like crap when i'm lying to him but there is no fucking way im telling him this side of me. weirdest thing happened today.
i dont eat during the day. only when i get home at like 4 or 5.
i bought my boyfriend lunch and he started feeding me abit. when he wasnt looking, i spat it out in my hand.
it was wrong i guess, but i couldnt keep it in me. my throat literally felt like it was closing up.
i felt bad.
but i cant do it.
and thats something i dont get. if i cant eat, why do i keep stuffing myself?
doesnt make sense.
or maybe it does. i only eat, so i can stuff and get rid of it. i cant eat if im not getting rid of it.
i see now.
i dont know.
not sure if i'll update anymore.
maybe, possibly.
we'll see. x

i hate myself.

deleted yesterdays post

i duno,
i keep changing my mind.
i think i'm going to stick to 500 then 300.
i just think if i stuck to 300, i would slip up.
so i'm going to take it slow.
get used to no food first.
and i mite just have my goal as 47 right now.
i dunno.
confused.
weirdo.
yes i am.

back under 50. woo

mums losing weigh too.
shes 46.
bitch.

i dont care if shes 12 cm shorter then me, i just think its wrong for daughters to weigh more. mums should have the extra fat. daughters should be slim and pretty. mums should be pretty too, but bigger. ahh iuno.
i shouldnt be jealous but i am. lol
cant help it.
anyways.
today i had:
2 hard candies: 44
pumpkin soup: 77
special k bar: 89
lettuce and italian dressing: 39

having juice box again later which is 117. which then makes my intake 366. i might have more lettuce later. maybe i dont know. or an apple. nah not an apple. ergh yesterday i found out my favourite cheese cubes are 20 cals each.. and i used to eat tons of them without thinking.. idiot.

ah well. was a alrite day. boyfriend upset me abit though. we were joking around and then he goes "nope, i'm not talking anymore." and does that thing where you lock your lips and throw away the key.
we didnt talk for like 20 mins. just walking in silence. i wanted to die. i kept thinking about jumping in front of a car because i wasnt good enough for him. and i wanted to apologize even if it wasnt my fault. i feel like everythings my fault. i think i'm getting depressed. i cry alot these days. for no reason. and scary thoughts come into my mind, like how i should die and how i should cut and take pills and jump of the bridge because i dont deserve to live. ahhh i need to clear my head. i hate thinking like this. it hurts.

ah well he apologised later for not talking and told me he loved me.
why would you love me? im shit.


i've been doing good eating wise. very good.

must do homework now.. bye bye. xx

back?

hmmm seems like everytime i try to stop bloggin i have the urge to blog. lol. today i had:
sour cream 150
green apple 53
5 peanut m&m's 50
carrot 30
special k bar 89

372 cals.
i'm having a juice box later which is 117, which will make my intake 489.
not bad, im pretty happy with that. also walked to and from school, 100 = 200 cals. good good. doing well today. i really  hope i dont fuck up. im so sick of fucking up.
i've decided to cut out:

• bread
• cheese
• chips
• all nuts but peanut m&m's. they are my favourite food. oh and peanut butter. i love it and i cant not have it. i've also decided to not cut out chocolate because i love it so much. but i've made a rule, if i'm having m&m's, chocolate, or peanut butter then i will not exceed over 200 cals. i may however go to 500 cals IF thats all i eat that day.

so yeah, i'm juts trying to stay under 500 for now. i'm trying to sleep more so i dont freak out becoz im tired and binge. i tend to do that. i also hvae to start walking again at night. i havnt been walking because i've been bloody binging but im going to today, even if its cold. i have bought a new jumper and i love it so i'll wear that. im continuing my situps and crunches and weights. so thats good. at least my abs can still be seen a lil bit under all that fat. im doing it properly this time. i think the thing that snapped me into this control is my exam results today. i got 94%. i. was. so. freaking. happy. but now i know that if i didnt spend 2 hours a day binging and purging and studied how i planned that i could maybe get 100%. hopefulyy. i wana be skinny, small, smart and successful. i will be that.
take care xx

willbeskinny.

I HATE MYSELF SO MUCH,
i want to die.
ive never cired so mych
ive never been so tired
and confused
and scared
and trapped.
im trapped by this fucking disease/
i need help but i cant fucking tell anyone beacuse it will ruin me
i would lose everyone
i would lose my mum
i would lose my sister
i would lose my boyfriend, he wont love me anymore if he kmnwe me .
i would lose my bestfriend, she wouldnt think that this is me. it'd kill her.
ksadfjhsldkafjxzcbhioaieryeujsa
I DONT KLNOW WAT TO DO'.

i hsve so much hw.
ive watsted my time on this fukcjbjkhsad thign,.
i hate myslef.

im too fat.

im 50 again.
im so fat.
i'm not going to blog for a while.
i need to be back on track.
i'm just going to allow myself 500 a day.
im not going to binge anymore
im not going to purge anymore. it hurts too much.
i look like crap.
my face seems fucked up and blotchy.
it hurts.
im not going to blog until in i'm the 40s again.
i want to be skinny.
i take up so much space.
its a wonder i even have a boyfriend.
how could he not be replused by this fat lard?
i dont understand at all.

take care x

im in a neverending cycle and its killing me.
starve, then binge, and then purge.
purge until i can taste acid.
purge until my stomach is concave again.
purge until i see blood.

i hate me.

thanks mum.

she is the reason i fucked up yesterday. i hardly was even awake and we had a massive arguement with words screaming out of our mouths and doors slamming and banging. in results: i binged. and purged.
3 fucking times.
i stuffed myself each time, until i was unable to move and i could hear my heart beating in my ears. purging was so easy coz all i had to do was just tip myself over and everything would fall out.
then at like 11pm i made noodles. i didnt want to purge it, i just wanted something warm and comforting and it was only 289cals. which isnt so bad considering i got most of everything i binged on. and i also took 4 laxatives so i didnt worry that much about it.
but then i couldnt keep it down. 2 hours after i had it, my stomach started flipping and the noodles was just coming up on its on accord. it was horrible because it was mixed with stomach acid and i felt like i was dying because my insides (stomach, throat, chest) felt like their were on fire.
i hate this. i dont want to purge anymore. i hate it so so so much. its gross, and it hurts. and i know if i dont stop it will kill me one day. i thought i was going to die last night. the pain was just so bad.
i've decided not to do the abc anymore. im just going to go with 500 cals.

seriously, bulimia is the worst fucking thing. i hate it. i am not going back. im not going to binge anymore either. i hate that too. whats the point? i dont need 3 days worth of food in one go. ahhhh
i dunno. im not even making sense i dont think, my head still hurts.

hmm stay strong. x

i fucked up big.

you cant break an already broken heart.

YAY! LOW WEIGHT AGAIN!

49.5 kg!
i feel skinny !
yay !
being under 50kg is the best feeling in the worlddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddd.
93 cals :)

i'm happy.

[EDIT]
had another apple.
53 cals so brings today to 146
also also also.
i'm wearing one of my shorts that i bought ages ago for inspiration. i can fit in it. and i'm comfy wearing it. cant wait what it feels like when i'm 45kg.

289 cals

not so bad,
not so bad.
keep going.
45 here i come.

weighed in yesterday. 51.5kg.
im not happy about that, but i'm not really sad about it either because:

1. i binged all weekend man, i'm suprised i wasnt fucking 60kgs.
2. my size 8 jeans are gettin loose around the waist. i can put them on/take them off without undoing the zipper and button. WOO

LOL, yeah i'm weird.
um i forgot what else i was going to say.
oh i'm just gona name my post with my calorie intake of the day coz yeah.
i dunno. i feel weird today. i was really unhappy and alot of people told my boyfriend that i was..
i dunno if i'm pissed about that or not.
the reason i was fucking depressed is that i now have no friends. OKAY!?
god, i thought that was obvious.
well i guess i do have friends but its not like i hang with them, i just know i dont belong into their "groups" and i'm sorry if i look a lil sad if i'm sittin by myself or walking around by myself like a loner. i mean you hardly expect anyone to be all smiles when walking by themselves. geez people.

anyways.
goodddddbyeeeeeeeeee
hopefully i dont fuck up tonight. x

i didnt eat anything today.

breakfast: coffee, gum
lunch: gum, coffee, diet coke
dinner: ????????

im conteplating whether or not i should eat an ice block my mum just bought. 139 cals.
do i need these cals?
i dont know.
today is a 500 day.
but i feel ew.
gross.
yuck.
my head is kind of spinning.
my stomach rumbled the whole day. it was so fucking embarrassing. i had a test and all i could hear was GRRRRRRRSKJDFHSLDKJFHSLDKJFHD.
seriously wtf.
im thinking i might just have a water ice block.
45 cals.
thats okay.
i can deal with that.
i can burn that off plus an extra 167 cals burned by walking later.
yeah i think i will.
i'm feeling way to dizzy.

xx hope i dont binge.
please.

[EDIT]
okay i ate.
i had too, i felt like i was going to faint and i was so cold that i dont think i'd be able to work out later.
so i had 2 water ice blocks : 90
had a chocolate honeycomb one too :139
lettuce and dressing and this other leaf vege thing: 46
small green apple : 53
TOTAL : 328.

i'm okay with that.
now i feel SO FULL.
diet coke helps.

I KEEP FUCKING UP! STARTING AGAIN!

i've probably started over again and again a million times.
but i dont care, im starting again.
the ABC diet does work. doing it for a few days and i lost straight away.
so i'm going to stick to it.
Starting 27th april.
i can do this.
i know i can.
fuck you mia.

im so depressed.

yesterday i fucked up.
and today i fucked up.

i fucked up yesterday because of my mum. shes trying to lose weight too and although shes like more then 10 cm shorter then me shes at one of my goal weights. shes 48kg. i was so upset i binged when she told me. i ate and ate and ate and ate and my stomach literally felt like it was going to explode. i then spent the next hour purging in my room. i felt so bad because i thought i could go on days now without purging and be okay, but i dunno when she told me, something inside just set me off.

and today.. i did so well. i didnt eat anything for more then half a day. i went to the shops to get lettuce and special k bars and i decided to eat a bar and some lettuce. i did that. but i ate two bars. which then i went to the fridge and ate a small carton of lite sour cream. which then led to popcorn. packet of chips. breadsticks with butter. cereal.
another hour then spent in the room, purging.
it felt so bad.
i dunno why but i think im losing my gag reflex. if i purge everyday now it gets harder. but if i dont purge say for two days or something then purging is easy peasy when i do it.
since i did it yesterday, today was hell.
my chest felt like it was going to split open.
my face was red.
my eyes were swollen.
i hate purging.
i hate mia.
i hate having this problem that rules my life.

but yet i still cant stop because i know if i do the right thing and be good i can have what i've always wanted which is to be skinny.

i've had two laxative things. and tomoroow i'm going to fast. btw after that b/p thing. i ate after. but i guess wasnt so bad. lettuce. bit of ice cream. sour cream. but i did consume ALOT of peanut butter. ergh. i hate it. i just eat it straight out of the jar with a spoon like some fat cow. its disgusting. coz when i do it i dont pay attention to how much i'm eating and how many calories. i just kinda forget and eat eat eat. YUCK I'M DISGUSTING.

fastttttttttttttttttttttttttttttt. then back to less then 500.
i think i mite set up my own calorie plan.

i'm going to fast tomorow.
monday: 300
tuesday: 250
wednesday: 400
thursday: 300
friday: 100
saturday: fast.

lets see if i can do that.
i probably wont.
i'll probably fail like a fat cow.
but i really want this.

ahh wish me luck.
x
p.s new follower! thanks :)  i've followed your blog too :)

might have been a little over? but gonna work it off :)

i think i had between 400-600 today.
since i've been walking to and from school (1 hour) and not eating till i get home,
i tend to start feeling dizzy and woosy like i'm about to pass out or something.
its kinda scary, like i'm bout to fall asleep.
but yeah, thats why i went abit over today.
but i still have to skip which will burn 200.
and yeah.
things havnt been so good. i miss my best friend so much.
and my mum is being a massive bitch to me.
my boyfriend thinks he appreciates me more then i do him, when he clearly ignores the nice things i do for him..
watever.
i'm going to be skinny,
so fuck everything.
i dont want to feel.
i just want to be skinny.
i think i might fast tomorow since i dont have school.
i'll drink lots of water so i dont cave.
hope i can do it.
x

well abc failed, but i'm still happy

this week on sun i had less then 500
monday and tuesday i had over 1000 coz of peanut butter
wednesday i had 300 but i binged but i purged all of that
thursday i've had around 200. but i think i mite have some more coz i'm feeling a lil dizzy.
i have been dizzy all day.
i think i'll just stick to 500 or less.
500 being the max. iuno if i can handle any lower at the moment.
i was going to pass out today.
but yeah lost 1.5kg.
i'm 50.5kg now. so i'm happy.
at least i'm losing
and the eating "normally" and b/p didnt make me gain.
wooo.
i'm also walking to and from school now.
which takes about 40 mins. 'which then is 80 mins altogether
plus walking for an hour at night or skipping
and weights, and situps/crunches

i'm finally feeling okay.
AND i didnt purge for 4 days. i was so proud. i'm trying to go for 5 now.
hope i can
xx

PIG

thats what my mum called me several times today.
pig. pig. pig. pig.
it hurt so much.
i burst into tears.
just because of this, i'm going to get so skinny, she'd be afraid to touch me.
you did this to me.
must be off for an hour run.
then 20 mins skipping.
thats like 400 cals burned.

not eating tomorrow.
school next day.
i hate me.
this is me:

i wanted to cut.
but i cant do that anymore.
my boyfriend will see and then its questions questions questions.
i cant explain okay?
i cant explain why i cut myself open or puke or starve.
its just me.

today? not so good.

i have no friends.

it's so sad. and so true.
all my friends that i was close to has drifted away.
stopped talking because i stopped talking them cause i believed i didn't need them as long as i had my bestfriend.
and now she's pushing me away, attacking me for her problems and i'm really getting sick of it. she doesnt know anything about my ED. my bulimia. she doesnt know i cut every so often. because of family. because of boyfriend and sometimes because of her. i understand shes going through something really tough now, but its not my fault.
i feel so lonely.
my boyfriend went out with his friends tonight, so i had no one to talk to tonight.
it feels weird.
i miss going out with groups of people. just hanging out. but because of my stupid choices, i have no one.
maybe i could blame my ED on this. but i seriously think its just my fault. i brought this on myself.
i dunno.
im sad.
sorry i'm ranting. i dont write in my diary anymore. it became to repetitive :
woke up, ate, binged purged. saw bf. binged purged. starved. worked out.
thats all i seem to write nowadays so i stopped.

i dont complain much at all. i have no one to complain too. and everytime i let a little complaint slip my lips, i get blown to pieces by other people telling me how shit their life is and mine is just so perfect i shouldnt say shit.
i cant help but think, everytime this happens : if only you knew what i have been through.
people are so quick to judge the book by their cover. it's really bad to do that. you could be so totally wrong.
i hate pretending im fucking okay when i'm not. the past keeps haunting me. family issues. sexual assults. bulimia. anorexia. self harmer. over eater. over excercising. i've been there.
BUT do i complain about them EVER to anyone? NO.
i write it down. in my blog. diary. and no one knows this is me.

i'm rambling. like a crazy person. maybe i am crazy. i somehow find comfort in that thought.
i'm crazy.
woohoo.

im sick of dealing with peoples shit. i'm sick of caring when no one gives the fuck about how i'm doing. im sick of life.

i wish i could start a new life.

my boyfriend thinks its okay for him to not take care of himself.
he thinks it doesnt hurt me.
he thinks i dont worry my brains out.
he thinks i dont cry.

well you know what?
i'm just going to starve. and purge.
and when you find out, IF you ever find out.
you'll know how it feels.

this may be mean or hypocritical or whatever, but im sick of it.
i hate it. and he dosnet get it. taste your own medicine.

wtf?

i dont get something.
i've gained weight
yet i can fit into my size 2 shorts?
WTF.
i couldnt fit into them before and... :S
wtf

tiny green apple= 30-50
fat free yogurt = 50-100
7 small cups of milo = 350

: 430-500

NO MORE FOOD TODAY.

bloody oath. cant believe i had that much calories just for fucking milo.
i swear.
ARGH.
water water water
diet coke diet coke diet coke

EXERCISE LIKE A FREAK.

im so unhappy.

these past few days,
i dont think i've ever felt so unhappy.
its not even like major,
its small, but it hurts so much. and i want to die so bad.
i dont know what it is.
my best friend is going through major things, and shes so unhappy too. i wish i could help her somehow. im so afriad she'll shut me out though.
my boyfriend.. i dont know. he seems to be pushin me to do things alot these days. and he says these mad speeches about how much he loves me and how much i mean to him and how i couldnt possibly love him more but.. they dont seem enough. their just words. whereas i bend over backwards to do everything for him. i used up all my savings on him to get him something he really wanted. like money from when i was 7 years old. used it all on him. without hesitation. i'd get him lunch when hes hungry. i'd travel for an hour just too see him for half.
i dont know. but it doesnt seem fair to me.
he says he'll do all these things for me.. but he never does.
and he always seems to tell me to do things that i don't want to do.
he'd ask a million times.. with the excuses "if you love me.." and "you never do anything i want.."
and eventually he'd get pissed off
so i agree.
even if i still dont want to.
and i cry.
all the time coz of him.
and he doesnt know.
it hurts so bad.

on top of that. mia is coming back. im fat. i want to die.

i want to ball my eyes out.
i want to cry forever.
bleed forever.

i've gained 2 kg.
and my bf has lost 5.






















im fatter then my boyfriend. wtf is that.

Starting new sticking to it this time.

i really want to fit in my size 6 shorts.
its killing me.
i lost my virginity today.
i'm not really sure how i feel. it was good i suppose. but i dunno. it hurt too much for me to notice "pleasure". lol
anyway.
i did eat a lot today
and i lost count how many cals
from what i recall, i had

• sour cream
• crackers
• lettuce with seafood sauce
• half a carrot
• a few mini choc bars (lost count how many, however i never ate the whole thing. i just kinda chewed it in places, chucked it out, got another one and chewed it in places. im weird i know)
• these other types of crackers which i like because one long one is just 16 cals
• 1 1/2 rice cakes
• low fat youghurt

well i guess thats not too bad. but still bad
hmmm
i shall estimate how much they are now
sour cream: 150
crackers: 62
lettuce with seafood sauce: 30-50?
carrot : 10
choc bars: 40?+30?+150?+68?
cruskets: 16
rice cakes: 34
yohgurt: 40
620-650cals.

not too bad.
but could do better.
fasting for the next three days :)
im so excited.
its the holidays
i wana be skinny when school starts again.
starting it with a 3 day fast.
what i will be drinking :
LOTS of water
diet sodas
coffee
tea
and GUM
:)
im sorry, but i love gum.
4 cals a piece.
i think i'll be okay
lololol

now.. needa burn off 650 calories sitting in my stomach and write my essay..

toodles. :)
p.s FREJA BEHA IS THE HOT. THE HOT. THE HOT I WANT TO BE. *droolllllllllllllllls

i need help. i cant go on like this.

OHOHOHOH

did i mention i reached 49.5kg on sunday?
WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.













BUT...
i've been a discusting pig. and i'm afraid i've become fatter.. so i havnt weighed myself since then. specially today. ate a whole packet of m&m's. over 1000 cals. didnt get it all out. plus other food. i hate being fat.

im back

i said i was going to make a new blog but iuno... i missed this one.
it felt like i had a friend.
and now i'm going through shit
i just feel like i need it
coz its the only thing i can talk to
without judgement.
or critisism.
or lies.
its my own.

im sorry i left you my sweet sweet blog.

goodbye

starting a new blog. new me. new blog. new life. new beginning. i will miss you.

what ticks me off the most..

is the fact that nothing is ever good enough for anybody in this fucking, twisted, stupid world.

your either:

• too fat
• too dumb
• too stupid
• too self-centered
• too selfish
• too ignorant
• too irritating
• too heartless

TOO FUCKING SOMETHING.

or your either:

• not pretty enough
• not skinny enough
• not smart enough
• not motivated enough
• not loving enough
• not nice enough
• not interesting enough
• not good enough

no matter WHAT, there is always something unsatisfactory about a person. i know, nobody's perfect, but its just fucking stupid how people can say that and then not accept people for who they are! even if they have one tiny fucking flaw its the end of the world and then there "outed" from this society.




whats the point in trying to please people?
everyone is too high maintenance, and people who say they're not, are just too shallow to admit it. everyone should just face the truth. your asking for too much when your only allowed a bare minimum. sorry but thats how it is and people should just learn to live with it.

not saying i'm not better. i mean i wish to look like the girl in the above picture. i want too much. but i dont tell anyone. i know that i cant have everything i ask for. even though i keep on asking. but at least i have the decency to admit that i cant have everything and not rub it into peoples faces and make them look like shit just so i can feel better. instead i write just like what i'm doing now and i keep it all inside. why inflict your issues on other people? everyone has enough problems already. just shut the fuck up and keep doing what your doing. live your life.

update

want want want her body!

why is she eating cake and had a kid and still so fucking hot when i'm stuck in the body of a mammoth?

AHHH
SORRY !
i just really dont have time to blog.
well a summary of what i've been up to or what i've been doing or whats going on:

• havnt weighed since last friday (fucking scared)
• started purging again (im a screw up i know, but i cant stop) didnt purge today though HORRAY i just hope to god i dont fucking eat anymore. its past seven so NO NO NO NO
• i've started skipping again. it makes my heart pump like no 2moro. like faster when it purges. it hurts too. i dunno if thats bad or good but it makes me all sweaty and shaky, i like it.
• i've had the "talk" with my bf, so i have new motivation. i dont wana be fat for my first time !
• mum and bff have commented on my weight. sayin i look skinner. liars.
• i have tests coming up. revise revise revise

and thats bout it. i mite update on weekend for my weight update. not sure, depends if i'm crushed down with work load and bulimia. shes fucking stealing my time again. bitch. i hate you.

keep forgetting to blog.

well i'm going to keep this short because i'm revising for my maths test and i have a shit load of hw to do and i've wasted so much time already.

i'm officially 50kg. weighed on friday and i was estatic. one more kilo and i'm in the 40s.
although i'm kinda scared, after discovering i lost weight, i binged and unfortunately purged this weekend. FUCK. STUPID IDIOT.
ERGH.
so i'm not going to weigh myself for a few days and i'm not going to eat. food disgusts me at the moment. and fuking hell my belly is once again back.
500 situps should do it.
hour run
half hour skipping.
and weights.
hopefully i can reach 49.5 by the end of the week.

p.s i missed my period. it was due 4 days ago. my lowest weight has been 50.5kg and last time i was there my period was like nothing. now i'm lighter and at my lowest weight ever, i'm hoping it will stay away. i dont know why, but last time i was 50.5 i felt so skinny. i felt so happy. and now that i'm under that. i feel fatter.
Why?


xx

its like im not allowed to even make one mistake.
you make a million, and your excused.
i make one, and i get executed.

i'm thoroughly depressed.

i don't know why. maybe i do and just don't want to say. i have that feeling you get when your sad. you know the one that kind of swells from the inside of your chest and claws at you making you frown.

i really want to go. but i spent all my savings on my boyfriend. i saved up for years. i dont regret it. but i do feel really sad about it.

i'm screwed for life

i'm fat and stupid.
great.
absolutely fucking great.

want to eat. hungry hungry.

BUT I'M NOT GOING TOOO. so i'm going to list the times i felt fat:

• there was a day in year 11 or 10, me and my family we're going out and i couldn't find anything to wear that i didnt look bad in. i just hit my thighs and punched my stomache and sat on the floor and bawled my eyes out. stupid fat cry baby.
• when i was in year 6, i went to take a shower and i looked down and realised that i couldnt see my toes anymore.
• i started getting stretch marks on my thighs and hips. mum took me to the doctor. he said "you need to loose weight."
• when i was getting picked up early in primary school, and i ran towards my mum in excitement. but when i reached her, she said "dont run, your boobs are flopping up and down, and your belly is jiggling."
• when my mum said "its good your eating again, you look healthy again."
• when my size 8 jeans started to get tight and i couldnt wear them anymore.
• when my friend lost a massive amount of weight and i gained.
• when my boyfriend picked me up and i could hear him struggling
• when my sister said that my legs look fat and i look like i'm squishing my fat togther.
• when i lost 8 kilos and gained 7 back.
• when i tried on one of my mums top and it was super tight and i could see my back rolls.
• when i discovered my thighs smack together
• when i discovered my arms wobble
• when i discovered i have a beer belly
• when i discovered i have a huge butt
• when i discovered my double chin
• when i discovered my fingers are fat.

i will not eat.

FML

well i went over 100..
but i stayed around 200 coz i had sour cream and kinda just forgot i was eating it and kept eating it. fuck.
i guess its okay.

i didnt have dinner. my mum  was persistant. and when i said no for the fifth time, you know what she said?
"Fine. Pig."

i skip breakfast lunch and dinner
and i'm a pig.

ihateme

Ana's Plan For Me

WEEK ONE.
Monday- 100
Tuesday- 250
Wednesday - 150
Thursday- 300
Friday - Fast
Saturday- 200
Sunday- 150

Weigh in's are on Fridays. I will be posting them too. i can do it.

breaking up with BED and Mia

i know i was probably suffering from binge eating disorder too. i mean eating close to 1000 cals in less then 2 hours is hardly what you call normal.. ergh.
well i hate them both.
i hate binging
and i hate purging.
so i'm officially BREAKING UP WITH YOU TWO!

To BED,
in simple words, i've never liked you. yes you have given me the satisfaction of when my favourite fatty foods enter my mouth, but in the long haul, you make me loathe myself. you make me fat. you shovel food down my throat constantly even when i'm full. you give me chubby arms, wobbly fat cellulite thighs, a bloated stomach that covers my abs, a massive butt, a double chin, and i just hate it. i'm trying to lose weight. i am trying to get skinny not fat. your making me fat, therefore i fucking hate you. don't ever come near me again. don't you dare control my body. don't you dare force food down me. ever. goodbye and good riddance. i hope i never see you again.

K.x

Dear Mia,
i can't deny that i don't love you. but recently i just cant deal with you anymore. your getting more and more difficult to handle and it's driving me insane.
i just don't have the time anymore. trying to keep you in my life with school, friends, family and a boyfriend is really really hard. and lately you've been hurting me more and more. i mean for the past couple of weeks, you made me bleed. you've given me chest pains. you've made me feel sick and dizzy. you've made my teeth week that they are now sensitive to cold and hot stuff. you've made my joints crack and sieze up. it just hurts. i didnt know you were going to hurt me. i thought i could trust you. but everyone is right. your not good for me. and frankly, i'm replacing you with Ana. yes she does hurt me too, but she makes me a whole lot happier then you've ever made me.
i will miss you though. i'll miss that high you give me after every meeting with you. i'll miss hiding you in my closet. i'll miss chucking you away. i'll miss cleaning up your mess. i'll miss that good feeling i feel everytime you take out huge quantities of food out of me at once.
but then again. i wont miss you making me look like shit. i wont miss the stomach/chest/head pains you give me. i wont miss you creating scars on my hand. i wont miss the smell of you. i wont miss hiding you.
so this is goodbye. not forever though. i doubt i'll ever be able to FULLY live without you. but i wont be seeing you for a while. Ana's with me now. if i want to be with her, i must follow her rules, and only if i disobey her ( and i dont plan to) she gives me permission to see you. goodbye, i hope i wont be seeing you anytime soon. maybe we'll meet again. maybe we wont.

Love Krystal.

And thats the end of that chapter.
Hello Ana, welcome to my life.
i will now be posting what i eat everyday and how much exercise.
i bought a pair of size 6 shorts today. they nearly do up. i want them to be loose. and i cant wait till that day arrives. :)

new destination.

my sail has no wind,
my wind has no sea,

my sea has no shore anymore.














i'm never going to be good enough.

maybe i'm weird

but i hate hate hate hate it when my boyfriend calls me beautiful/smart/funny/cute.
just makes me feel a billion times uglier and makes me wana crawl under a rock and die.
i dunno.
i'm weird like that i guess.
but i dont like it.

update

i havnt been updating because i've been really busy. hw has risen steadily and b/p dosent help me get it done. it wastes so much of my fucking time. i hate eating. and i hate purging. ergh. i dunno why i just cant stop.

butttttt!!!!!!! good news, on the 4th March i've reached 50.5kg. FUCKKK YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS. lowest weight again. last time i was in this weight i didnt get my period. but i did eat yesterday and today. yesterday i ate normal 3 meals. and today i didnt have breakfast but i did have lunch and lots of bloody icecream. my stomach is still flat though thank god. but i think i might have gained so i'm not going to weigh myself for a couple of days.

i will update more. i promise.
and i will get skinny. i promise.

i can't help but think that if you saw me now,
there is no way that you'll still love me.

its all because i'm fat.

i think i really need help. i just think i need to tell someone. but seriously if i do, what is the benefit for me in that? they'll just watch me. make me eat everything. make me fat. i dont want to be fat. i'm already too fat.
but the stress of school and everything is getting to me. i've realised i've wasted so much time throwing up and binging when i could have been studying or doing something with my friends, family or boyfriend. what's wrong with me. how did i get here? will i ever get better? or will it all just become to much for me that i'll come to a end one day?
right now it is really tempting to just die. i want to so bad. just for everything to end. just for once in my life not worry about anything. school, family, being fat.


i dont know what to do.


[Edit] i forgot to mention, im starting to cut again. fingers, arms, legs, hips. hello blood, how i've missed seeing your scarletness.

i'll never be perfect, i'll never be cool, i'll always be nothing.

 - Jason Derulo.

i fit into my size 7 jeans.

i bought these jeans in july last year.
i havnt been able to fit into them fully for 7 months after buying them.
i finally am able to fit into them comfortable.
a size 7 in australia
is a size 3 in US? i think. i went online to convert lol.
i have 3 more sizes to loose to get to a zero.
you know i used to be a size 10-12. thats 6-8 in US.
i've lost half my size then? WoOp WoO. well i hope the converting thing wasnt lying. coz if it was... XP
i can do it.
i will do it.
and i wont take that long trying to get there.
I CAN DO IT.

p.s. my sister is the biggest bitch in the world. i asked her if i looked okay when i put on my jeans. she's like "no, it dosent look good." i felt so shit and i was like are you serious? and shes like "no no i'm kidding god." so i'm like "well then can you just stop joking around seriously? everytime you say stuff like that makes me want to kill myself. i hope you'll be happy when i fucking die." and what did she say in response? absolutely nothing. thats how fucking heartless she is. not even a fucking sorry.

i loathe selfishness.
i loathe people who are self-centered.
i loathe people who don't consider other people's emotions.
i loathe people who are careless enough to hurt others.

if i was selfish, i would kill myself.
if i was self-cenetered, i'd only think of me and i'd boast about my ED to make sure everyone knew my feelings and how shit my life is.
if i didnt consider other people's emotions, i would've hurt all the one's i love a million times more then i already have.
if i was careless, i'd be the coldest person in this world.

i dont understand people who put themselves first.

i felt happy today

i did really well in one of my assignment.
100% for my speech.
and 92% for my written.
WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
i was so suprised! my teacher pulled people one at a time out of the classroom to discuss and he asked me what i think i got out of 20. and in my head i'm like "i bet i got a fucking zero." but i didnt want to say that out loud so i'm like "um... 10?15?" and he's like you got full marks.
i was like *SCREAM omg !
ahahaha
all those sleepless night spending hours on the computer reading up information on at least 100 websites. bawling my eyes out because i didnt understand any of the questions. trying to keep myself awake with all my strength in class the next day.
IT PAYED OFF.
FUCK YES!
hahah
wooooo woooo
happy man, really happy.

.. now to fast for the weekend and get under 50kg!
THEN i'll be ecstatic.

i cant stop

i wont stop.
i just cant do it.
i wont stop when it hurts.
i wont stop when its suffocating me.
i wont stop when i see blood.
i just wont stop.
i just cant bring myself to stop.

i want to stop.
but i really dont know how.

i absolutely love this quote. Winter girls, one of my favourite books of all time.

Why? You want to know why?
Step into a tanning booth and fry yourself for two or
three days. After your skin bubbles and peels off, roll in
coarse salt, then pull on long underwear woven from spun
glass and razor wire. Over that goes your regular clothes,
as long as they are tight.
Smoke gunpowder and go to school to jump through
hoops, sit up and beg, and roll over on command. Listen to
the whispers that curl into your head at night, calling you
ugly and fat and stupid and bitch and whore and worst
of all “a disappointment.” Puke and starve and cut and
drink because you don’t want to feel any of this. Puke and
starve and cut and drink because you need an anesthetic
and it works. For a while. But then the anesthetic turns
into poison and by then it’s too late because you are mainlining
it now, straight into your soul. It is rotting you and
you can’t stop.
Look in a mirror and find a ghost. Hear every heartbeat
scream that everysinglething is wrong with you.
“Why?” is the wrong question.
Ask “Why not?”

He said, She said.

so today my boyfriend said...
"your so small. i bet i could wrap my arms around you twice." he said
"no you cant, i'm not that small." i said
"i can feel your ribs! your so skinny man! and you still think your fat." he said
"no you cant, you have to press and dig in to feel them" i said.
"no, really i can feel them." he said

i was happy happy happy after these two comments. i dont think i've ever been called "small" before. but then..
my sister said after i told her what my boyfriend said..
"why is he lying to you?"

.....

talk about killing my day. in result i was depressed and i ate. I FUCKING ATE. and i got rid of it straight away. it was funny. i didnt even had much and i felt SOOOOO FULL. like i ate a truck load of things. but i didnt. i had:
- this egg thing with vegetables around it. no idea how many cals
- a dumpling
- my sour cream
- this rice thing with like some kind of beans in it.

not much. but i felt so full and sick. like i was going to puke. so i did. lol.
SHAME ON ME.
restricting again tomorrow.

i havnt purged in two days. THATS A FUCKING NEW RECORD! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.
all i've been consuming to stay away from fainting is:
light peanut butter (its like half the cals of normal peanut butter. when my mum got it and i checked the back i literally jumped in excitement. LOL)
light sour cream (one container is like 400 cals. i dont normally eat the whole thing in a day, half or a quarter but today i consumed it all. i felt bad and thought about purging but i didnt.)
milo (20 cals a tablespoon. ohh yeahh. this stuff keeps me going.)
coffee ( it helps me stay awake during lessons in the morning. haha)
diet coke (seriously, to the person who invented this: your a fucking legend.)
waterrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr !

so that's all i've been having these past couple of days. no solid food. nope nope. i feel lighter already and my stomach has FINALLY shrunk abit after days and days of endless binging and purging. i was afraid it was a permanant thing. phew. i havnt weighed myself in a week though. i'm so scared. i think i'll weigh on the weekend if i can keep this up for the next couple of days. i think i can. i can. i can. i can. i will. i will. i will.

x

i dont understand

why is it when i show concerns to my boyfriend, that he shoves it in my face and makes me look like an idiotic overprotective freak?
you say you want to walk in the middle of the night on the streets drunk.
i say, thats really dangerous and anything could happen to you
you say you want to drive really fast when its pouring down raining
i say, you must drive slower when its raining, not faster.
you say you want to stand in the middle of the road for a bet
i say, do you realise that a car could come and end my purpose of existence?

are you purposely saying you want to do dangerous and reckless things to get me worried and concerned and want to cry? or do you just like hurting me by putting yourself in danger? or do you just think that i dont love you so if you did these things i wouldnt care? because i do fucking care. i care so fucking much. you have no idea how much i fucking love you. you have no idea how much you mean to me. and yet you act like, you dont care about my feelings at all..

i dont think you realise how much i cry over you. i love you so much, thats why i'm so sensitive when you say shit like that. and you think you love me more than i love you? FAT CHANCE. YOU DONT FUCKING CARE HOW MUCH YOU HURT ME. YOUR SO IGNORANT WHEN IT COMES TO HURTING ME. YOU DONT REALISE THAT YOU NEED TO THINK BEFORE YOU LET CRAP COME OUT OF YOUR MOUTH.

i want to throw up sooo bad right now. ergh. everytime im upset i just wana eat and throw up. just so i could numb the pain for a while. but i'm not going to. i didnt eat anything today and i'm not about to break that. woop woop.

i wish my stomach would rumble though.
maybe that will help get my mind off things for a while.

*Sigh have to do hw now. :(

it's not right for parents to go to their children's funeral

i attended my first ever funeral today. it was the saddest day of my life. i've never seen so many people dressed in black. i've never seen so many people standing together without saying a word. i've never seen so many people cry all at once. i've never seen a mother so heartbroken that your own heart will break a million times just watching her shed tears for her dead son.
to hear a mother howling and screaming for her son is the saddest thing in the world. i cried so much today.
i know i was not particularly crying because i've lost a friend. i probably havnt spoken to him since primary school but i was crying for his family and his friends. to see them lose someone they love so much, so suddenly, is just..

i saw a dead corpse for the first time today.
he looked so peaceful. he looked asleep. dreaming of something sweet. as soon as i saw him i broke down completely. it's hard to believe it was just an empty shell. that he's not really sleeping. that he's left and he's gone forever. i feel so sorry for his family. they didn't even get a chance to say goodbye. it's so unfair.

it's just sad. knowing that he wont ever breathe again. his heart will never beat again. his mother wont be able to hold him again. he'll never walk this earth again.
R.I.P

theres no point trying to fix something that is broken beyond repair.

Unbreakable Vows. Starts 9th Feb 2010

DIET PLAN.
1. I will not eat anything over 100 cals everyday. drinks are excluded, but i cannot exceed over 300 in drinks. the only time i will have to eat over 100 cals is when out with family/boyfriend/friends and i have absolutely no choice whatsoever.
2. I will walk an hour everyday and do 750-1000 situps and 100 lunges. The only time that i will not be able to do these things is when i'm out/ too much hw/ no time due to unavoidable circumstances.
3. I will weigh myself every friday afternoon after school.
4. I must not eat any kind of fast food unless in an unavoidable situation.
5. I must not purge unless i exceed over 600 cals. and i find the need to do it. best to stay away from and work it off.
6. I MUST REACH 46 KILOS. I MUST I MUST I MUST. and i must fit into size 6 jeans.

MY LOVE
1. I must let him know how much i love him and how much he means to me everyday.
2. I must never say anything to hurt him or upset him in any way possible.
3. I must appreciate and cherish every moment spent with him, down to every second.
4. I must find ways to let him know how much i love him.
5. I must never ever take him for granted. he is the best person in the world that makes me feel like i have a purpose in life. he actually loves me, which i find is so amazingly surreal. "why would anyone love me?"

FRIENDS
1. I must keep in contact with all that have changed my life in some way,
2. I must take photos and start conversations with people i hardly talk to anymore.
3. I must get to know more of them. ask how they are. whats new in their lives etc.
4. I must go out with them more. Time is running out and the incident that happened on sunday morning made me realize just how many people i'm taking for granted.
5. I will always be there for anyone/anytime whenever they need me. I want to be the one people are able to depend on in times of need.

FAMILY
1. I must help mother around the house.
2. I must be less ordering on my baby sister.
3. I must appreciate that i have a loving family even though i do take them for granted sometimes and i want to stab them all to death, i must remember they will always be there for me no matter what and i must appreciate that.

note: i might add addition vows later on. right now i am too tired to think.

R.I.P

A 17 year old boy died this morning around 3am in a car accident. I knew him in primary school. We were friends and in the same class. I havn't talked to him since beginning high school. It just feels so weird to realize he's gone. I'll always remember him even if we havn't spoken in years. He'll always be apart of my life because he was there in my life, even if it was a small aspect.

it's so unfair how you had to go. to be so young, and to know you when you were little, and never realise that you would'nt be able to grow up fully. we were young, and we always had the sentence of "when i grow up i wana be..." hoping to be whatever we wanted. we all shared a dream. to learn and to live. you were never given that chance, to go, at such a young age. not even able to finish school. it's so unfair. you'll always be remembered by your family and friends. even by the people who haven't spoken to you in a while. you were there, you were in my life, you live in my memories.
R.I.P
i wish i made abit of effort to stay in touch.
xx

LOL

my sister discovered something about the word "live" today.
"live is evil backwards".
somehow i find that very ironic.

WTF HAPPENED TO ME TODAY !?

I ATE SO FUCKING MUCH
I HATE MYSELF
I'VE BEEN STARVING AND MY BELLY FINALLY FUCKING DISAPPEARED
AND TODAY
GUESS WHAT ?
I HAVE A HUGE BELLY STICKING OUT OF MY TORSO.

i really hate myself now. i just binged again. and i'm gettin ready to go purge. how did this happen to me? i want to die. crawl under a rock and die. i wish i had a massive paper bag to cover all of me so no one would see how ugly i am. i want to cut so bad but i cant. my boyfriend will notice. he did before and i told him i got bored.. he looked at me like "wtf, are you serious? cutting yourself because you simply were bored?" and i just smiled and nodded and said "yeap i'm a freak" and he laughed. i dont think he really believed me though. he had a look of concern on the face but he didnt persue the subject. but that dosent help me at all. i want to cut so so bad. i wana bleed.

okay, i just tried purging for half an hour. all that came up was water and abit of what i ate. in a way i'm sort of glad i didnt get anything out. i hate purging. and while i was trying to do it just now, i kept thinking "i dont want to do this anymore." so i've formed a plan.
1. i will try my HARDEST to stop purging. i cant handle it anymore. the secrets. the lying. the hiding. the time wasted when i couldve been studying or doing unfinished hw. i just want to stop. so tomorow, or the next day, i'm going to empty out my bin filled with vomit. its so gross. it has like 2 days worth of food inside it. smiles horrible. and it weighs 5.5kg. i dunno why but i weigh my vomit? it just makes me think that if i didnt purge that i'd be 5.5kg heavier. that thought really scares me, so in order to not gain weight i have another plan.
2. i am not going to eat. i will fast tomorrow and on monday. if i eat on tuesday it will either be celery/carrot/green apple/lollipop. it will be my new plan/diet. i want to be hungry forever. forever empty. i will be skinny. and thin. and light. and most of all, beautiful.
4. exercise, exercise, exercise. i've always wanted abs. i'm going to get abs. i wanted abs before my ED formed. so i'm walking/running everyday for an hour. and 750-1000 situps/crunches/reverse situps a day. 100 lunges. and i will increase that amount every second week. i will have a skinny and toned body and reach 45-48 kilos soon and stay there.
3. i will knuckle down and study my ass off every night ! i'm sick of being behind on hw or topics. i want to be ahead of everyone ! and i will do it! i want to be a smart and skinny nerd!

so that's that. im hoping i will give up on mia. ana's been with me for the last few days and i really liked what shes done. got rid of my belly. made me feel light. made my bones more dominant and taken weight off me. i want her to stay. i love mia, but shes too much to handle. i dont know if i will completely let her go. i havnt been able to survive a day without her these couple weeks. but i will start from tomorrow. i hope i'll be able to do it.

hope everyone else is doing better than me. xx

Topic 3: mia is taken over me completely. though ana does stick around during the day

i cant last all day without food because i have school. but when i get home. at like 4 or 5pm i eat. sometimes alot, sometimes a lil. but i purge. till everything is gone. till i taste acid. and then i last till it comes to 10-11pm. i eat again. and purge again. till everything is gone. till i taste acid.
the other day blood came up. and i didnt even stop. just kept going. kind of freaked me out, but i managed to keep on going.
"dont stop, all the food aint out of you yet. if you stop now, it'd stick to you and you'll be a fat idiot forever." whispered mia as the toilet bowl filled with the colour scarlet.
so yeah, i didnt stop. i did it again the next day. and again the day after. i'm officially addicted to purging. its so bad, but i cant stop. ah well. at least i'm gettin skinnier. thats the positive in this stupid fucked up situation.

Topic 2: school is completly shit.

i mean it literally shit. i just hate sociallising now. i like to be alone. i like to be isolated. the only person i stay with at school is my best friend. and my boyfriend. but thats about it. everyone just irratates me so much these days. one look from anyone and i wana punch them in the face. lol
even my other friends, i cant be bothered to hang with them/talk to them/ go out with them. it just seems like so much effort. and i always think i look like the needy one trying to please them and try to be the best friend i could be to them. yet they dont seem to try at all. and so i'm sick of it. sick of trying to please people. in the end.. whats the point really? all for nothing.
and the work load now is really starting to pile on. every subject we get hw now. and have exams in like 5-6 weeks. and assesments and assignments. i'm going insane. balancing my ED and studies is becoming so stressful and struggling. theres another topic i wana talk about.. next post.

Topic 1: insomnia has taken over me

well at first, i didnt have a choice to not sleep. my assignment was due this week and i havnt finished it because i didnt understand the questions. so on sunday night i stayed up till 3. got up at 6. 3 hours sleep. i was soo tired the whole day on monday, i was literally dead woman walking. (dead fat woman walking.) i kept nodding off randomly in class. i expected to sleep that day. but i didnt. i asked the teacher about the assignment, he answered my questions and i stayed up till 2 doing my assignment. 4 hours sleep. i was completely trashed the next day. i didnt know if i was awake or sleeping. and the rest of the week i've just had 5 hours sleep everyday.
i dunno about anyone else but i need a good 7-8 hours to be on top of everything the next day. and well i've finished my assignment, but i'm still staying up and sleeping less then usual.
its completely killing me.
i miss sleep!
i love sleep!
i want to sleep right now! but theres always something thats keeping me awake. like a constant reminder of nothing? if that makes sense? i dont know.

a number of topics to talk about

yes, i havnt been posting frequently. schools just taken everything but i'm still reading peoples blogs. just havnt had time to actually write in mine. and so, there is a numerous of things i want to talk about so im just going to post them seperately otherwise this post will turn in to a massive long boring rambling. and nobody likes to read ramblings.

i think he knows

reasons:
1. i never eat when with him. and i spend nearly all day with him and as he gets hungry, he gets suspicious if i say i'm not hungry if it's been more then 4-5 hours since i've had "breakfast". note: i never have breakfast. lol
2. he inisits on buying me food. "let me buy you lunch", "arnt you hungry? lets go get something to eat.", "what do you want? cake? ice-cream? lollies? chips? maccas?" (it always, ALWAYS seems to be junk food that is mentioned first, obviously i say:NO.)
3. i have mentioned months before that i wanted to lose weight. and i was going to do it. he didnt seem that against it when i mentioned it. that was a bonus (Y)
4. the things i used to like, i do not like no more. eg. chocolate, ice-cream. i havnt had chocolate since last year. and i hope it stays that way because i am very proud of my achievement. woop woo. of course how can you just hate something you once loved? easy, the "love" was showing on my thighs.
5. he mentioned that why i'm "in this phase" and i look "perfect" the way i am. i hardly answer when it comes to these questions. nod, laugh, smile. i wont look so perfect to you if you knew what i did everyday.

maybe he's just worried. or maybe i'm too obvious. whatever the reason, i did eat in front of him today. just to prove to him i was fine. it was a salad though. only 36 cals. thank god. but i still didnt want to eat it. i have a hard time keeping solids down as i find it hard to make them come back up.

hmm. when will i get out of this "phase" you say? i dunno. tomorow. next month. next year. next decade. um maybe never?

why do i bother

sometimes i think i try too much.
i give too much.
i love too much.
and it all just backfires back on me.
like some massive explosion.
all my efforts turn to dust.
why can't i be good enough?
why can't anyone be appreciative enough for the things i do for them?
why is it, i'm always the one that has to make the first move? or the one that has to make the most effort?
is it so hard, to consider someone else?

i think i did it again. i believed in something that wasnt there. my worst nightmare. i really dont like being jerked around. my heart can only break so many times till its uprepairable.

"it's not you, its me"
i've heard this phrase too many times to know that the problem is actually me. please, just tell me the truth.

i want to die.
the pain, is too much.
i hope theres a heaven.
please let there be a heaven.

why is it when nice things are said to me i want to yell and scream and cry?
whatswrongwithme?
everything.

another half a kilo gone ! most up and down week ever.

well this week started off fairly well but ended in a shit hole and my head in the bin with puke all over my fingers/hair/floor/mouth.

i spent monday, tuesday and wednesday with boyfriend. it twas a very good 3 days. we talked, laughed, walked, held hands, kissed, and even communicated without saying any words. ( i thought this was quite cute coz it was like we knew what each other was saying just by looking at each other's facial expressions. i was LOL'ing on the inside. it was like we were in sync :)) and for the first time ever... i wrote him a love letter. it took me ages and ages to write coz i couldnt find the write words to explain how much i love him and how much he means to me. but i did it, and he loved it. so yay ! haha its so lovely being with him. and he is so lovely. sometimes i wish i could tell him this secret part of me but i'm so scared he would leave. but i'm even more scared if he tried to get me help. i dont want help. i want to be fucked in the head for the rest of my life as insane as that sounds. but i do love him, and maybe one day i'll tell him and maybe he'll understand and still want to stay with me, but for now... shh.

but yeah started off a good week, but from thursday started going real shit. school started, and i hate school so much right now. i just can't stick to be around people. everyones just so stupid and annoying and nosy and just loves to cause problems and get into people's businesses. it's just so high school and friends you dont know who to trust coz they'll just talk about you when your not there. and now that its year 12 and last year of school, all the teachers are saying "it's the last year and your HSC, make memories and study hard!" and then roll in the homework/assignments/tests/exams.
*sigh. i have started studying but i really can't be bothered sometimes. i know i'm smart, but i'm just lazy. (explains why i'm fat.) ergh.

anyways, yeah just not happy bout school started. i dont get to see my boyfriend as much since no one knows we're dating. (we're keeping it quiet coz we don't want the attention and plus the less people that know, the less people that can fuck it up for us since most relationships have some kind of bump in result of other people).
but yeah, i dunno, the plus side that's schools started is that i dont eat all day! WOO ! in result, half a kilo gone:). but the purging is getting worse. i eat at night and although i don't each as much i spend an hour trying to get everythingsinglething out. it hurts. i'm gettin really bad stomach pains, but i'm no where near stopping what i do. its my only way to deal with shit.

family isnt going too well. me and my mum keep fighting. and this kind of triggers me to purge. even if i'm not hungry i'll eat just so i can purge. because when i do i feel like the weight on my shoulders lift a little bit.
i feel relieved.

but yes!!!!!! i weighed today and 51kg ! wooohooooooo ! starving for the rest of today and tomorowww ! and hopefully i'll be 50.5kg soon. my lowest weight. and then hopefully i'll get into the 40s soon. ahhh that sounds really really exciting.

anyways another shit thing that happened this week. one of my friends is stealing my idea for her 18th birthday. i am so fucking pissed. i was crying my eyes out. i felt so stupid but she knew it was my idea first and she stole it ! its really not fair coz her birthday's before mine and if i did it.. i'd look like the idiot that tried to copy a good party.

i dont care. at least i'm gettin skinnier then her ! LOL
she can do whatever she wants. i'll drink until i puke. oh yeahh. i spent my 17th birthday puking. and i guess my 18th wont be any differnt. just that this time i'll be puking alcohol instead of cake. and hopefully i'll be 8 kilos lighter.

but yeahh thats about it that happened this week. hopefully next week will be better. i'm going to have to start my assignment and hw now. :(
bye !

take care lovelies
xx K
"nothing tastes as good as thin feels.."

i hate my family.

mums a bitch.
dads in jail for beating up his own daughter.
sisters not even my blood.

wtf kind of family is this?
just cuts and bruises and a whole lot of bleeding.

sorry i havnt posted in a while

just schools started and i've had alot to do.
and i havnt really been in a good mood.
especially today
but i promise i'll post a good long one tomoroow with thinspo.
take care xx

yayyyyyyyyyyyyyy

i was worried for nothing ! :)
went out with bf and friends
and i didnt eat anything !!!!!!! woooooooooo !
i just said i wasnt hungry
and it workeddddddd
and i lost half a kilo!!!!
yayyyyyyyyyyyyyyy

ahaha
anyways
the body i want :


freja beha.
i loooooooooooooooooove her legs.
omomomomom.

being hungry is worth it if i get to look like this.

OMGG i went to see boyfriend and my stomach just kept rumbling like i had a kitten purring in my stomach.
i wanted to punch it.
ergh
but no food today!
wooooooooooooooooo
:)
another half kilo.. go away please?
yes?
go?
go.
i dont want you anymore.

go away and dont EVER come back.

i found the body i want to look like.

will post pictures of her tomorow.
right now i am dead dead dead tired.
nite !

484848484848484848484848484848484848484848484848484848484848484848484848484848484848

i want to be 48 kilos.
coz then i can work to be 45 kilos.
i just want to be in the 40s !
the 50s is just so fucking depressing !
i want to cry!
:'(

48484848484848484848!!!!!
i will get there !
i dont give a fuck if i have to starve everyday to get there !
i want to get there !
at least in 2 weeks !
come onnn mann
god be fair !


i am SO not looking forward to 2moro.
spending the whole day with my boyfriend and his friends. hes going to buy me foood !
i'm going to pretend i'm sick.
in fact i am sick.
my throat hurts
i could say i ahve a throat infection and just have liquids?
i have a feeling it wont work though.
so i'm just going to say i feel sick.
like i'm going to hurl sick.
because im spending the whole day with them
and i wont be able to get away to purge.
ARGH
i hate eating and not being able to get it out.
and i wont be able to work out as much 2moro!
FUCK THIS
i want to go.
but slkdfjghsldkjfgskdjfgsdfgsdflk
idontwanttoeat.
iwanttostayhungryforever.
iwanttobethin.
iwantthegapbetweenmythighs.
iwantmyskinnyjeanstofit.
iwantmyribstostickout.
iwantmyhipbonestopokeout.
iwanttoseemyspine.

I WANT IT.

i hate letting people down.

especially when it wasnt my choice to let them down. being in a situation when you are forced to let the ones you love down. it's so hard to be able to say the right words.
the worst is when you've been looking forward to something. and then last minute, something happens and you have to be the one to take down everyones hopes. its a shit feeling. to know that because of you, they are left with a frown and disappointment etched upon their faces.
but then i think, maybe what feels even worse is when they understand your situation and become completely understanding. it kills me internally that they dig out some positive and then try to see the silver lining and make it better for me when i'm the bitch who took the fun.

ihatethisfeeling.ihatemyself.ihatechangingthing.ihatebeingthebadone.ihatebeingme.
i wana cut again.
i havnt in ages.
i want to cut really deep and watch the blood drip everywhere. a pretty shiny red.
i want to feel pain on the outside. because the pain on the inside hurts to much and i cant bear it.

almost gave in

i went to the fridge and roamed around it looking for something edible.
i opened the cupboard and led my eyes around in search for something tastey.
i walked to the freezer and opened it and found myself holding a paddlepop.
i placed it onto the couch and looked at it.

"I'm going on my walk soon so i can work it off by running too."
"I didnt eat anything all day and it's only 107 calories."
"Maybe if I ate half of it, it wouldnt count to anything coz it'd only be 54 calories"

but..

"It's been ages since i've fasted a whole day without screwing it up at night."
"I'll feel so so so so bad after I eat it. I'll feel like a worthless piece of dung."
"It will probably lead to a binge. And soon I'll consume special k, bread, cheese, peanuts, yoghurt, noodles, and a whole other shit food that'll make me fat."
"I dont want this. I want to be skinny."

so i put the paddlepop back into the fridge and i took an icecube.
yum yum yum.

my stomach starts to rumble.
i'm succeding.
horrah !

now to start my assignment .. *sigh

had a good, but really really hot day.

i didnt purge at all today ! i didnt eat anything either !

yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!

i'm not even hungry :)

it. feels. so. goddamn.good.

i hope i wont eat later though.. i always tend to eat late at night. and since it's the holidays i've been stayin up to 3am and just eat when i cant sleep ><

bad habit.

i will not eat tonight.

and i will not eat tomorrow.

i will not.

yesterday was really bad. ate breakfast. puked it up. ate lunch. puked it up. didnt have dinner. had like 3 cups of milo and puked it up. erghhhhhhhhhhhh

i hate/love puking. yeahh that feels weird to say, but thats just how i feel about it i guess. i dunno, watever at least mia didnt see me today. i'm hoping i wont see you tomorrow either? seriously my throat needs to heal and i just dont want to eat. but yeahhh anyways...

i have 2 more new followers !:) YAY

thanks for following and taking the time to read my blog:)

i'm going to read all your blogs now :)

stay strong lovess

x K.K