thanks mum.

she is the reason i fucked up yesterday. i hardly was even awake and we had a massive arguement with words screaming out of our mouths and doors slamming and banging. in results: i binged. and purged.
3 fucking times.
i stuffed myself each time, until i was unable to move and i could hear my heart beating in my ears. purging was so easy coz all i had to do was just tip myself over and everything would fall out.
then at like 11pm i made noodles. i didnt want to purge it, i just wanted something warm and comforting and it was only 289cals. which isnt so bad considering i got most of everything i binged on. and i also took 4 laxatives so i didnt worry that much about it.
but then i couldnt keep it down. 2 hours after i had it, my stomach started flipping and the noodles was just coming up on its on accord. it was horrible because it was mixed with stomach acid and i felt like i was dying because my insides (stomach, throat, chest) felt like their were on fire.
i hate this. i dont want to purge anymore. i hate it so so so much. its gross, and it hurts. and i know if i dont stop it will kill me one day. i thought i was going to die last night. the pain was just so bad.
i've decided not to do the abc anymore. im just going to go with 500 cals.

seriously, bulimia is the worst fucking thing. i hate it. i am not going back. im not going to binge anymore either. i hate that too. whats the point? i dont need 3 days worth of food in one go. ahhhh
i dunno. im not even making sense i dont think, my head still hurts.

hmm stay strong. x