sif anyone cares.

dont want to sound melodramatic and crap, but i seriously think no one gives a shit about me.
if i died right now, sure family would be sad for a while, but eventually the will get over it.
sure maybe my boyfriend will be down for a while, but he's strong and determined, he'll find someone new and have a better life.
whats the point really?
whats the point in trying to survive everyday if its so fucking hard to even wake up and smile?
whats the point in faking that your happy everyday?
whats the point in living if all your friends and support you had from people has vanished and they dont even give a shit to even say "hi" anymore?
what is the fucking point?
















i really want to just cut now.
i want to run far far away.
then i want to die.
by myself.
alone.
i want to rest.
i'm so tired.
rest in peace.
please.

100th post. last?

i've decided to make a new blog. or a tumblr. im not sure yet.
well exams have finally finished (my last exam was a breeze beacause i did so many past exams to revise that the questions were exactly the same as a past exam, i was LOL'ing on the inside the whole time and saying "suckers" to everyone else in my head. yeah i'm retarded.)
i didnt do as well as i wanted in my exams
fucking maths.
i wanted to cry.
but then the real blame here is mia.
fucking errrrrrrrrgh!
i know its probably me thats the problem.
i'm trying so hard to stop it.
for over 2 months now.
everyfucking day b/p.
its killing me.
i am going to stop.
and in order to stop
i need a new routine.
new me.
new everything.
so i'm deciding on a new blog.
new study routine,
new workout routine
new eating routine
new thinking.
i dont want to think that i'm stupid/ugly/disgusting/huge/fat/whale/gross/idiot all the time
it hurts so much.
i want to keep losing weight.
another 3 kilos and i'll be happy.
im at 49 now.
just 46 and i'll be fine with my weight.
i'm actually fine with it now.
i've never been this low.
im just not fine with the way i'm maintaining it.
so i need a new plan.
to start again.
oh my boyfriend didnt leave me. stress of the exams. i understand, it really killed me to see him down. i'm glad their over and we're as stronger as ever. i love being with him. he's amazing.
and also another reason why i want to stop this madness.
i keep missing out opportunities to talk to him because i'm busy eating or getting it out. its killing me because this disease will eventually make him leave. and i dont want him too. and i dont want him to know.
if i ever tell him, i'd want to be out of this mess. i'd want this mess to be years away from me before i tell him. so i have to.
and family is getting sus. i mean i eat HUGE amounts and i'm losing weight? wtf. LOL
but yeah
so i guess this is goodbye other half. i dont want another half of me.
its just me. all me.
pure.
no more demons.
i'll fight you all.
it kills me to know that there are millions of people who are in the same situation as i'm in. i cry when i see theres so many members on a eating disorder site or forum. its just so sad.
so i'm going to try my best.
to be better.
thinner.
smarter.
better,
me.

so farewell blog. you were there when i needed you. love to all the girls struggling with an eating disorder. i wish you all well! you girls are strong, dealing with this. so brave. we are strong. we can beat it. dont let it take control. it'd consume you completely and its definately not worth it if you lose everything you love. <3 xxx
p.s for those who have read my blogs, i thank you. i was amazed when i got 1 follower, and every comment, would make me feel so happy. so thanks lovelies. yous are awesome.

K.

i dont want to lose him.

i havnt blogged in a while.
been having exams.
still b/p
and now
i think i might lose the most important person in my life.

maybe its exams.
but i cant help but think its me.
because thats the only thing that makes sense.
i'm shit.
i'm worthless.
i'm ugly.
i'm stupid.
i'm fat.
he's finally realised.

i'm so scared.
no more iloveyous
no more imissyous 5 min after seeing him
no more i wana see you
no more love in his eyes.

i wont be able to deal with it if he breaks up with me.
i gave him everything.
i knew it wasn't enough, but i always went to my extreme limits to give him what he wants.
why cant i be good enough ?
i hate myself so much.
and i cant bear the thought of him hating me too.

i love him so much.
i wont be able to handle it without him.

i just cant do it.
it'd kill me.
i'd start cutting.
i already want to cut.
he wont notice.
he doesn't notice me anymore,
he said he wont put anyone above me
he said i'll always come first.
but he lied.
i'm the last one he goes to.
even if i'm standing there by myself.
he's with his friends 2 feet behind me.
andnothing.

i dont regret loving him.
but what if its a mistake?
what if this is what kills me?
what if it was all just a game?

"i love you"
"it's hard to be away from you"
"i miss you already"
"your the most important to me"
"your mine."

i am his. why did i become so dependent on him ?
i knew only fools depended on other people, beacuase everyone will always, always. no matter who they are, disappoint you. fail you.
it was so difficult to accept that i've become vulnerable again.
i dont want to slip back into depression.
it was so awful.
and all because of love.


i dont know what to do.
i need help.
help me.


Dear C-
you'll never read this. but just know, everyday, everynight, i think of you constantly. i worry about you. whether you've had enough rest, whether everythings alright at home, whether you've eaten. i just want you to know, i've never loved anyone as much as i love you. you mean so much to me, losing you, would be the end of the world to me. the thought of it scares me to hell. and when i think of it i just want to die. i dont want to be without you. it hurts to be even one cm away from you. it hurts so much when you ignore me when your friends are there. its like i'm non-existant. its like you dont love me. its like you dont even know me. i can feel pain ripple through me. it cuts so deep. but i'm okay with it. i like it when your with your friends. even if you have to ignore me. i mean they were there when i wasnt. way before i was in the picture. so it's okay. i dont mind. i love you so much and i want to keep you all to myself, but everyone needs time for others. they cant just stick with one person every minute of everyday. i mean i get sick of me too. of course you'd hate to be with me every second. i understand. but what is going on? i understand about exams, im stressed too. but why are you treating me like i did something wrong? did i ? why cant you tell me? do you know how much it hurts? to have you speak one word responses? to see the cold distand way you talk to me? do you know how much it hurt today to look you in the eye? and notice something was definately different?
its like being plunged into icy water.
being stabbed with a knife
its like falling down, when you've missed a step on the stairs
its like being winded
you promised me you'd love me always.
and even if i did believe you, i found it hard because i was way too lucky to deserve you.
but i believed you. and i cant take that faith back.
it hurts. and i'd rather die then deal with the pain.
i'm sorry if i've misintepreted everything.
i'm sorry for believeing you if you didnt mean it.
but you were so goddamn convincing.
please just tell me if its me.
please just end it now then if thats what you want.
dont drag it on.
dont not talk to me.
i'm dying please.
i love you.

99% fat free italian salad dressing has 26 calories one serving.

Mum "you do know thats fattening right?"

you know what mum? fuck you. yeah i'm going to gain 100000000000000kilos when i have 3 servings of salad dressing yeah?
i'm gona be fat.
and then overweight.
and then obese.
and then i'll die of fatness yeah?

when i die of this disease, when i'm puking up salad dressing and lettuce 5 times a day. i hope you regret this comment.
i really do.
you have no idea how fucking painful that was.
you have no fucking idea what i'm going through.
















i am in the worst state in my life. binging and purging everyday. everything is shit. i hate myself. i'm pretty certain, if this continues, i'm going to die very soon.

im fucked in the head. in other news, i didnt binge for the first time in over a month

maybe its not easy.
but its simpler to say everything fine/perfect/okay/good
then to explain in pages and pages of words that everything isnt fine/perfect/okay/good in intricate detail.

havnt updated in a while

well, this month has been utterly crap. i've b/p everyday more then 2 times. funny enough, i never lost my gag reflex. i was waiting for it to fuck off so i wouldnt be able to do it. but its become so easy now to purge. i hate it. the lies. the sleepless nights. the hours wasted. the chainsaw throat. the bloodshot eyes. im dying internally.
but i still cant seem to stop. its become apart of me now, and some days, i actually look forward to do it. how insane is that? maybe i am insane.

ah well, the only good thing in my life right now is my boyfriend. i feel like crap when i'm lying to him but there is no fucking way im telling him this side of me. weirdest thing happened today.
i dont eat during the day. only when i get home at like 4 or 5.
i bought my boyfriend lunch and he started feeding me abit. when he wasnt looking, i spat it out in my hand.
it was wrong i guess, but i couldnt keep it in me. my throat literally felt like it was closing up.
i felt bad.
but i cant do it.
and thats something i dont get. if i cant eat, why do i keep stuffing myself?
doesnt make sense.
or maybe it does. i only eat, so i can stuff and get rid of it. i cant eat if im not getting rid of it.
i see now.
i dont know.
not sure if i'll update anymore.
maybe, possibly.
we'll see. x

i hate myself.