well exams have finally finished (my last exam was a breeze beacause i did so many past exams to revise that the questions were exactly the same as a past exam, i was LOL'ing on the inside the whole time and saying "suckers" to everyone else in my head. yeah i'm retarded.)
i didnt do as well as i wanted in my exams
fucking maths.
i wanted to cry.
but then the real blame here is mia.
fucking errrrrrrrrgh!
i know its probably me thats the problem.
i'm trying so hard to stop it.
for over 2 months now.
everyfucking day b/p.
its killing me.
i am going to stop.
and in order to stop
i need a new routine.
new me.
new everything.
so i'm deciding on a new blog.
new study routine,
new workout routine
new eating routine
new thinking.
i dont want to think that i'm stupid/ugly/disgusting/huge/fat/whale/gross/idiot all the time
it hurts so much.
i want to keep losing weight.
another 3 kilos and i'll be happy.
im at 49 now.
just 46 and i'll be fine with my weight.
i'm actually fine with it now.
i've never been this low.
im just not fine with the way i'm maintaining it.
so i need a new plan.
to start again.
oh my boyfriend didnt leave me. stress of the exams. i understand, it really killed me to see him down. i'm glad their over and we're as stronger as ever. i love being with him. he's amazing.
and also another reason why i want to stop this madness.
i keep missing out opportunities to talk to him because i'm busy eating or getting it out. its killing me because this disease will eventually make him leave. and i dont want him too. and i dont want him to know.
if i ever tell him, i'd want to be out of this mess. i'd want this mess to be years away from me before i tell him. so i have to.
and family is getting sus. i mean i eat HUGE amounts and i'm losing weight? wtf. LOL
but yeah
so i guess this is goodbye other half. i dont want another half of me.
its just me. all me.
pure.
no more demons.
i'll fight you all.
it kills me to know that there are millions of people who are in the same situation as i'm in. i cry when i see theres so many members on a eating disorder site or forum. its just so sad.
so i'm going to try my best.
to be better.
thinner.
smarter.
better,
me.
so farewell blog. you were there when i needed you. love to all the girls struggling with an eating disorder. i wish you all well! you girls are strong, dealing with this. so brave. we are strong. we can beat it. dont let it take control. it'd consume you completely and its definately not worth it if you lose everything you love. <3 xxx
p.s for those who have read my blogs, i thank you. i was amazed when i got 1 follower, and every comment, would make me feel so happy. so thanks lovelies. yous are awesome.
No comments:
Post a Comment