well, this month has been utterly crap. i've b/p everyday more then 2 times. funny enough, i never lost my gag reflex. i was waiting for it to fuck off so i wouldnt be able to do it. but its become so easy now to purge. i hate it. the lies. the sleepless nights. the hours wasted. the chainsaw throat. the bloodshot eyes. im dying internally.
but i still cant seem to stop. its become apart of me now, and some days, i actually look forward to do it. how insane is that? maybe i am insane.
ah well, the only good thing in my life right now is my boyfriend. i feel like crap when i'm lying to him but there is no fucking way im telling him this side of me. weirdest thing happened today.
i dont eat during the day. only when i get home at like 4 or 5.
i bought my boyfriend lunch and he started feeding me abit. when he wasnt looking, i spat it out in my hand.
it was wrong i guess, but i couldnt keep it in me. my throat literally felt like it was closing up.
i felt bad.
but i cant do it.
and thats something i dont get. if i cant eat, why do i keep stuffing myself?
doesnt make sense.
or maybe it does. i only eat, so i can stuff and get rid of it. i cant eat if im not getting rid of it.
i see now.
i dont know.
not sure if i'll update anymore.
maybe, possibly.
we'll see. x
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