i have no friends.

it's so sad. and so true.
all my friends that i was close to has drifted away.
stopped talking because i stopped talking them cause i believed i didn't need them as long as i had my bestfriend.
and now she's pushing me away, attacking me for her problems and i'm really getting sick of it. she doesnt know anything about my ED. my bulimia. she doesnt know i cut every so often. because of family. because of boyfriend and sometimes because of her. i understand shes going through something really tough now, but its not my fault.
i feel so lonely.
my boyfriend went out with his friends tonight, so i had no one to talk to tonight.
it feels weird.
i miss going out with groups of people. just hanging out. but because of my stupid choices, i have no one.
maybe i could blame my ED on this. but i seriously think its just my fault. i brought this on myself.
i dunno.
im sad.
sorry i'm ranting. i dont write in my diary anymore. it became to repetitive :
woke up, ate, binged purged. saw bf. binged purged. starved. worked out.
thats all i seem to write nowadays so i stopped.

i dont complain much at all. i have no one to complain too. and everytime i let a little complaint slip my lips, i get blown to pieces by other people telling me how shit their life is and mine is just so perfect i shouldnt say shit.
i cant help but think, everytime this happens : if only you knew what i have been through.
people are so quick to judge the book by their cover. it's really bad to do that. you could be so totally wrong.
i hate pretending im fucking okay when i'm not. the past keeps haunting me. family issues. sexual assults. bulimia. anorexia. self harmer. over eater. over excercising. i've been there.
BUT do i complain about them EVER to anyone? NO.
i write it down. in my blog. diary. and no one knows this is me.

i'm rambling. like a crazy person. maybe i am crazy. i somehow find comfort in that thought.
i'm crazy.
woohoo.

im sick of dealing with peoples shit. i'm sick of caring when no one gives the fuck about how i'm doing. im sick of life.

i wish i could start a new life.