im so depressed.

yesterday i fucked up.
and today i fucked up.

i fucked up yesterday because of my mum. shes trying to lose weight too and although shes like more then 10 cm shorter then me shes at one of my goal weights. shes 48kg. i was so upset i binged when she told me. i ate and ate and ate and ate and my stomach literally felt like it was going to explode. i then spent the next hour purging in my room. i felt so bad because i thought i could go on days now without purging and be okay, but i dunno when she told me, something inside just set me off.

and today.. i did so well. i didnt eat anything for more then half a day. i went to the shops to get lettuce and special k bars and i decided to eat a bar and some lettuce. i did that. but i ate two bars. which then i went to the fridge and ate a small carton of lite sour cream. which then led to popcorn. packet of chips. breadsticks with butter. cereal.
another hour then spent in the room, purging.
it felt so bad.
i dunno why but i think im losing my gag reflex. if i purge everyday now it gets harder. but if i dont purge say for two days or something then purging is easy peasy when i do it.
since i did it yesterday, today was hell.
my chest felt like it was going to split open.
my face was red.
my eyes were swollen.
i hate purging.
i hate mia.
i hate having this problem that rules my life.

but yet i still cant stop because i know if i do the right thing and be good i can have what i've always wanted which is to be skinny.

i've had two laxative things. and tomoroow i'm going to fast. btw after that b/p thing. i ate after. but i guess wasnt so bad. lettuce. bit of ice cream. sour cream. but i did consume ALOT of peanut butter. ergh. i hate it. i just eat it straight out of the jar with a spoon like some fat cow. its disgusting. coz when i do it i dont pay attention to how much i'm eating and how many calories. i just kinda forget and eat eat eat. YUCK I'M DISGUSTING.

fastttttttttttttttttttttttttttttt. then back to less then 500.
i think i mite set up my own calorie plan.

i'm going to fast tomorow.
monday: 300
tuesday: 250
wednesday: 400
thursday: 300
friday: 100
saturday: fast.

lets see if i can do that.
i probably wont.
i'll probably fail like a fat cow.
but i really want this.

ahh wish me luck.
x
p.s new follower! thanks :)  i've followed your blog too :)