YAY! LOW WEIGHT AGAIN!

49.5 kg!
i feel skinny !
yay !
being under 50kg is the best feeling in the worlddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddd.
93 cals :)

i'm happy.

[EDIT]
had another apple.
53 cals so brings today to 146
also also also.
i'm wearing one of my shorts that i bought ages ago for inspiration. i can fit in it. and i'm comfy wearing it. cant wait what it feels like when i'm 45kg.

289 cals

not so bad,
not so bad.
keep going.
45 here i come.

weighed in yesterday. 51.5kg.
im not happy about that, but i'm not really sad about it either because:

1. i binged all weekend man, i'm suprised i wasnt fucking 60kgs.
2. my size 8 jeans are gettin loose around the waist. i can put them on/take them off without undoing the zipper and button. WOO

LOL, yeah i'm weird.
um i forgot what else i was going to say.
oh i'm just gona name my post with my calorie intake of the day coz yeah.
i dunno. i feel weird today. i was really unhappy and alot of people told my boyfriend that i was..
i dunno if i'm pissed about that or not.
the reason i was fucking depressed is that i now have no friends. OKAY!?
god, i thought that was obvious.
well i guess i do have friends but its not like i hang with them, i just know i dont belong into their "groups" and i'm sorry if i look a lil sad if i'm sittin by myself or walking around by myself like a loner. i mean you hardly expect anyone to be all smiles when walking by themselves. geez people.

anyways.
goodddddbyeeeeeeeeee
hopefully i dont fuck up tonight. x

i didnt eat anything today.

breakfast: coffee, gum
lunch: gum, coffee, diet coke
dinner: ????????

im conteplating whether or not i should eat an ice block my mum just bought. 139 cals.
do i need these cals?
i dont know.
today is a 500 day.
but i feel ew.
gross.
yuck.
my head is kind of spinning.
my stomach rumbled the whole day. it was so fucking embarrassing. i had a test and all i could hear was GRRRRRRRSKJDFHSLDKJFHSLDKJFHD.
seriously wtf.
im thinking i might just have a water ice block.
45 cals.
thats okay.
i can deal with that.
i can burn that off plus an extra 167 cals burned by walking later.
yeah i think i will.
i'm feeling way to dizzy.

xx hope i dont binge.
please.

[EDIT]
okay i ate.
i had too, i felt like i was going to faint and i was so cold that i dont think i'd be able to work out later.
so i had 2 water ice blocks : 90
had a chocolate honeycomb one too :139
lettuce and dressing and this other leaf vege thing: 46
small green apple : 53
TOTAL : 328.

i'm okay with that.
now i feel SO FULL.
diet coke helps.

I KEEP FUCKING UP! STARTING AGAIN!

i've probably started over again and again a million times.
but i dont care, im starting again.
the ABC diet does work. doing it for a few days and i lost straight away.
so i'm going to stick to it.
Starting 27th april.
i can do this.
i know i can.
fuck you mia.

im so depressed.

yesterday i fucked up.
and today i fucked up.

i fucked up yesterday because of my mum. shes trying to lose weight too and although shes like more then 10 cm shorter then me shes at one of my goal weights. shes 48kg. i was so upset i binged when she told me. i ate and ate and ate and ate and my stomach literally felt like it was going to explode. i then spent the next hour purging in my room. i felt so bad because i thought i could go on days now without purging and be okay, but i dunno when she told me, something inside just set me off.

and today.. i did so well. i didnt eat anything for more then half a day. i went to the shops to get lettuce and special k bars and i decided to eat a bar and some lettuce. i did that. but i ate two bars. which then i went to the fridge and ate a small carton of lite sour cream. which then led to popcorn. packet of chips. breadsticks with butter. cereal.
another hour then spent in the room, purging.
it felt so bad.
i dunno why but i think im losing my gag reflex. if i purge everyday now it gets harder. but if i dont purge say for two days or something then purging is easy peasy when i do it.
since i did it yesterday, today was hell.
my chest felt like it was going to split open.
my face was red.
my eyes were swollen.
i hate purging.
i hate mia.
i hate having this problem that rules my life.

but yet i still cant stop because i know if i do the right thing and be good i can have what i've always wanted which is to be skinny.

i've had two laxative things. and tomoroow i'm going to fast. btw after that b/p thing. i ate after. but i guess wasnt so bad. lettuce. bit of ice cream. sour cream. but i did consume ALOT of peanut butter. ergh. i hate it. i just eat it straight out of the jar with a spoon like some fat cow. its disgusting. coz when i do it i dont pay attention to how much i'm eating and how many calories. i just kinda forget and eat eat eat. YUCK I'M DISGUSTING.

fastttttttttttttttttttttttttttttt. then back to less then 500.
i think i mite set up my own calorie plan.

i'm going to fast tomorow.
monday: 300
tuesday: 250
wednesday: 400
thursday: 300
friday: 100
saturday: fast.

lets see if i can do that.
i probably wont.
i'll probably fail like a fat cow.
but i really want this.

ahh wish me luck.
x
p.s new follower! thanks :)  i've followed your blog too :)

might have been a little over? but gonna work it off :)

i think i had between 400-600 today.
since i've been walking to and from school (1 hour) and not eating till i get home,
i tend to start feeling dizzy and woosy like i'm about to pass out or something.
its kinda scary, like i'm bout to fall asleep.
but yeah, thats why i went abit over today.
but i still have to skip which will burn 200.
and yeah.
things havnt been so good. i miss my best friend so much.
and my mum is being a massive bitch to me.
my boyfriend thinks he appreciates me more then i do him, when he clearly ignores the nice things i do for him..
watever.
i'm going to be skinny,
so fuck everything.
i dont want to feel.
i just want to be skinny.
i think i might fast tomorow since i dont have school.
i'll drink lots of water so i dont cave.
hope i can do it.
x

well abc failed, but i'm still happy

this week on sun i had less then 500
monday and tuesday i had over 1000 coz of peanut butter
wednesday i had 300 but i binged but i purged all of that
thursday i've had around 200. but i think i mite have some more coz i'm feeling a lil dizzy.
i have been dizzy all day.
i think i'll just stick to 500 or less.
500 being the max. iuno if i can handle any lower at the moment.
i was going to pass out today.
but yeah lost 1.5kg.
i'm 50.5kg now. so i'm happy.
at least i'm losing
and the eating "normally" and b/p didnt make me gain.
wooo.
i'm also walking to and from school now.
which takes about 40 mins. 'which then is 80 mins altogether
plus walking for an hour at night or skipping
and weights, and situps/crunches

i'm finally feeling okay.
AND i didnt purge for 4 days. i was so proud. i'm trying to go for 5 now.
hope i can
xx

PIG

thats what my mum called me several times today.
pig. pig. pig. pig.
it hurt so much.
i burst into tears.
just because of this, i'm going to get so skinny, she'd be afraid to touch me.
you did this to me.
must be off for an hour run.
then 20 mins skipping.
thats like 400 cals burned.

not eating tomorrow.
school next day.
i hate me.
this is me:

i wanted to cut.
but i cant do that anymore.
my boyfriend will see and then its questions questions questions.
i cant explain okay?
i cant explain why i cut myself open or puke or starve.
its just me.

today? not so good.

i have no friends.

it's so sad. and so true.
all my friends that i was close to has drifted away.
stopped talking because i stopped talking them cause i believed i didn't need them as long as i had my bestfriend.
and now she's pushing me away, attacking me for her problems and i'm really getting sick of it. she doesnt know anything about my ED. my bulimia. she doesnt know i cut every so often. because of family. because of boyfriend and sometimes because of her. i understand shes going through something really tough now, but its not my fault.
i feel so lonely.
my boyfriend went out with his friends tonight, so i had no one to talk to tonight.
it feels weird.
i miss going out with groups of people. just hanging out. but because of my stupid choices, i have no one.
maybe i could blame my ED on this. but i seriously think its just my fault. i brought this on myself.
i dunno.
im sad.
sorry i'm ranting. i dont write in my diary anymore. it became to repetitive :
woke up, ate, binged purged. saw bf. binged purged. starved. worked out.
thats all i seem to write nowadays so i stopped.

i dont complain much at all. i have no one to complain too. and everytime i let a little complaint slip my lips, i get blown to pieces by other people telling me how shit their life is and mine is just so perfect i shouldnt say shit.
i cant help but think, everytime this happens : if only you knew what i have been through.
people are so quick to judge the book by their cover. it's really bad to do that. you could be so totally wrong.
i hate pretending im fucking okay when i'm not. the past keeps haunting me. family issues. sexual assults. bulimia. anorexia. self harmer. over eater. over excercising. i've been there.
BUT do i complain about them EVER to anyone? NO.
i write it down. in my blog. diary. and no one knows this is me.

i'm rambling. like a crazy person. maybe i am crazy. i somehow find comfort in that thought.
i'm crazy.
woohoo.

im sick of dealing with peoples shit. i'm sick of caring when no one gives the fuck about how i'm doing. im sick of life.

i wish i could start a new life.

my boyfriend thinks its okay for him to not take care of himself.
he thinks it doesnt hurt me.
he thinks i dont worry my brains out.
he thinks i dont cry.

well you know what?
i'm just going to starve. and purge.
and when you find out, IF you ever find out.
you'll know how it feels.

this may be mean or hypocritical or whatever, but im sick of it.
i hate it. and he dosnet get it. taste your own medicine.

wtf?

i dont get something.
i've gained weight
yet i can fit into my size 2 shorts?
WTF.
i couldnt fit into them before and... :S
wtf

tiny green apple= 30-50
fat free yogurt = 50-100
7 small cups of milo = 350

: 430-500

NO MORE FOOD TODAY.

bloody oath. cant believe i had that much calories just for fucking milo.
i swear.
ARGH.
water water water
diet coke diet coke diet coke

EXERCISE LIKE A FREAK.

im so unhappy.

these past few days,
i dont think i've ever felt so unhappy.
its not even like major,
its small, but it hurts so much. and i want to die so bad.
i dont know what it is.
my best friend is going through major things, and shes so unhappy too. i wish i could help her somehow. im so afriad she'll shut me out though.
my boyfriend.. i dont know. he seems to be pushin me to do things alot these days. and he says these mad speeches about how much he loves me and how much i mean to him and how i couldnt possibly love him more but.. they dont seem enough. their just words. whereas i bend over backwards to do everything for him. i used up all my savings on him to get him something he really wanted. like money from when i was 7 years old. used it all on him. without hesitation. i'd get him lunch when hes hungry. i'd travel for an hour just too see him for half.
i dont know. but it doesnt seem fair to me.
he says he'll do all these things for me.. but he never does.
and he always seems to tell me to do things that i don't want to do.
he'd ask a million times.. with the excuses "if you love me.." and "you never do anything i want.."
and eventually he'd get pissed off
so i agree.
even if i still dont want to.
and i cry.
all the time coz of him.
and he doesnt know.
it hurts so bad.

on top of that. mia is coming back. im fat. i want to die.

i want to ball my eyes out.
i want to cry forever.
bleed forever.

i've gained 2 kg.
and my bf has lost 5.






















im fatter then my boyfriend. wtf is that.