WTF HAPPENED TO ME TODAY !?

I ATE SO FUCKING MUCH
I HATE MYSELF
I'VE BEEN STARVING AND MY BELLY FINALLY FUCKING DISAPPEARED
AND TODAY
GUESS WHAT ?
I HAVE A HUGE BELLY STICKING OUT OF MY TORSO.

i really hate myself now. i just binged again. and i'm gettin ready to go purge. how did this happen to me? i want to die. crawl under a rock and die. i wish i had a massive paper bag to cover all of me so no one would see how ugly i am. i want to cut so bad but i cant. my boyfriend will notice. he did before and i told him i got bored.. he looked at me like "wtf, are you serious? cutting yourself because you simply were bored?" and i just smiled and nodded and said "yeap i'm a freak" and he laughed. i dont think he really believed me though. he had a look of concern on the face but he didnt persue the subject. but that dosent help me at all. i want to cut so so bad. i wana bleed.

okay, i just tried purging for half an hour. all that came up was water and abit of what i ate. in a way i'm sort of glad i didnt get anything out. i hate purging. and while i was trying to do it just now, i kept thinking "i dont want to do this anymore." so i've formed a plan.
1. i will try my HARDEST to stop purging. i cant handle it anymore. the secrets. the lying. the hiding. the time wasted when i couldve been studying or doing unfinished hw. i just want to stop. so tomorow, or the next day, i'm going to empty out my bin filled with vomit. its so gross. it has like 2 days worth of food inside it. smiles horrible. and it weighs 5.5kg. i dunno why but i weigh my vomit? it just makes me think that if i didnt purge that i'd be 5.5kg heavier. that thought really scares me, so in order to not gain weight i have another plan.
2. i am not going to eat. i will fast tomorrow and on monday. if i eat on tuesday it will either be celery/carrot/green apple/lollipop. it will be my new plan/diet. i want to be hungry forever. forever empty. i will be skinny. and thin. and light. and most of all, beautiful.
4. exercise, exercise, exercise. i've always wanted abs. i'm going to get abs. i wanted abs before my ED formed. so i'm walking/running everyday for an hour. and 750-1000 situps/crunches/reverse situps a day. 100 lunges. and i will increase that amount every second week. i will have a skinny and toned body and reach 45-48 kilos soon and stay there.
3. i will knuckle down and study my ass off every night ! i'm sick of being behind on hw or topics. i want to be ahead of everyone ! and i will do it! i want to be a smart and skinny nerd!

so that's that. im hoping i will give up on mia. ana's been with me for the last few days and i really liked what shes done. got rid of my belly. made me feel light. made my bones more dominant and taken weight off me. i want her to stay. i love mia, but shes too much to handle. i dont know if i will completely let her go. i havnt been able to survive a day without her these couple weeks. but i will start from tomorrow. i hope i'll be able to do it.

hope everyone else is doing better than me. xx