Starting new sticking to it this time.

i really want to fit in my size 6 shorts.
its killing me.
i lost my virginity today.
i'm not really sure how i feel. it was good i suppose. but i dunno. it hurt too much for me to notice "pleasure". lol
anyway.
i did eat a lot today
and i lost count how many cals
from what i recall, i had

• sour cream
• crackers
• lettuce with seafood sauce
• half a carrot
• a few mini choc bars (lost count how many, however i never ate the whole thing. i just kinda chewed it in places, chucked it out, got another one and chewed it in places. im weird i know)
• these other types of crackers which i like because one long one is just 16 cals
• 1 1/2 rice cakes
• low fat youghurt

well i guess thats not too bad. but still bad
hmmm
i shall estimate how much they are now
sour cream: 150
crackers: 62
lettuce with seafood sauce: 30-50?
carrot : 10
choc bars: 40?+30?+150?+68?
cruskets: 16
rice cakes: 34
yohgurt: 40
620-650cals.

not too bad.
but could do better.
fasting for the next three days :)
im so excited.
its the holidays
i wana be skinny when school starts again.
starting it with a 3 day fast.
what i will be drinking :
LOTS of water
diet sodas
coffee
tea
and GUM
:)
im sorry, but i love gum.
4 cals a piece.
i think i'll be okay
lololol

now.. needa burn off 650 calories sitting in my stomach and write my essay..

toodles. :)
p.s FREJA BEHA IS THE HOT. THE HOT. THE HOT I WANT TO BE. *droolllllllllllllllls

i need help. i cant go on like this.

OHOHOHOH

did i mention i reached 49.5kg on sunday?
WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.













BUT...
i've been a discusting pig. and i'm afraid i've become fatter.. so i havnt weighed myself since then. specially today. ate a whole packet of m&m's. over 1000 cals. didnt get it all out. plus other food. i hate being fat.

im back

i said i was going to make a new blog but iuno... i missed this one.
it felt like i had a friend.
and now i'm going through shit
i just feel like i need it
coz its the only thing i can talk to
without judgement.
or critisism.
or lies.
its my own.

im sorry i left you my sweet sweet blog.

goodbye

starting a new blog. new me. new blog. new life. new beginning. i will miss you.

what ticks me off the most..

is the fact that nothing is ever good enough for anybody in this fucking, twisted, stupid world.

your either:

• too fat
• too dumb
• too stupid
• too self-centered
• too selfish
• too ignorant
• too irritating
• too heartless

TOO FUCKING SOMETHING.

or your either:

• not pretty enough
• not skinny enough
• not smart enough
• not motivated enough
• not loving enough
• not nice enough
• not interesting enough
• not good enough

no matter WHAT, there is always something unsatisfactory about a person. i know, nobody's perfect, but its just fucking stupid how people can say that and then not accept people for who they are! even if they have one tiny fucking flaw its the end of the world and then there "outed" from this society.




whats the point in trying to please people?
everyone is too high maintenance, and people who say they're not, are just too shallow to admit it. everyone should just face the truth. your asking for too much when your only allowed a bare minimum. sorry but thats how it is and people should just learn to live with it.

not saying i'm not better. i mean i wish to look like the girl in the above picture. i want too much. but i dont tell anyone. i know that i cant have everything i ask for. even though i keep on asking. but at least i have the decency to admit that i cant have everything and not rub it into peoples faces and make them look like shit just so i can feel better. instead i write just like what i'm doing now and i keep it all inside. why inflict your issues on other people? everyone has enough problems already. just shut the fuck up and keep doing what your doing. live your life.

update

want want want her body!

why is she eating cake and had a kid and still so fucking hot when i'm stuck in the body of a mammoth?

AHHH
SORRY !
i just really dont have time to blog.
well a summary of what i've been up to or what i've been doing or whats going on:

• havnt weighed since last friday (fucking scared)
• started purging again (im a screw up i know, but i cant stop) didnt purge today though HORRAY i just hope to god i dont fucking eat anymore. its past seven so NO NO NO NO
• i've started skipping again. it makes my heart pump like no 2moro. like faster when it purges. it hurts too. i dunno if thats bad or good but it makes me all sweaty and shaky, i like it.
• i've had the "talk" with my bf, so i have new motivation. i dont wana be fat for my first time !
• mum and bff have commented on my weight. sayin i look skinner. liars.
• i have tests coming up. revise revise revise

and thats bout it. i mite update on weekend for my weight update. not sure, depends if i'm crushed down with work load and bulimia. shes fucking stealing my time again. bitch. i hate you.

keep forgetting to blog.

well i'm going to keep this short because i'm revising for my maths test and i have a shit load of hw to do and i've wasted so much time already.

i'm officially 50kg. weighed on friday and i was estatic. one more kilo and i'm in the 40s.
although i'm kinda scared, after discovering i lost weight, i binged and unfortunately purged this weekend. FUCK. STUPID IDIOT.
ERGH.
so i'm not going to weigh myself for a few days and i'm not going to eat. food disgusts me at the moment. and fuking hell my belly is once again back.
500 situps should do it.
hour run
half hour skipping.
and weights.
hopefully i can reach 49.5 by the end of the week.

p.s i missed my period. it was due 4 days ago. my lowest weight has been 50.5kg and last time i was there my period was like nothing. now i'm lighter and at my lowest weight ever, i'm hoping it will stay away. i dont know why, but last time i was 50.5 i felt so skinny. i felt so happy. and now that i'm under that. i feel fatter.
Why?


xx

its like im not allowed to even make one mistake.
you make a million, and your excused.
i make one, and i get executed.

i'm thoroughly depressed.

i don't know why. maybe i do and just don't want to say. i have that feeling you get when your sad. you know the one that kind of swells from the inside of your chest and claws at you making you frown.

i really want to go. but i spent all my savings on my boyfriend. i saved up for years. i dont regret it. but i do feel really sad about it.

i'm screwed for life

i'm fat and stupid.
great.
absolutely fucking great.

want to eat. hungry hungry.

BUT I'M NOT GOING TOOO. so i'm going to list the times i felt fat:

• there was a day in year 11 or 10, me and my family we're going out and i couldn't find anything to wear that i didnt look bad in. i just hit my thighs and punched my stomache and sat on the floor and bawled my eyes out. stupid fat cry baby.
• when i was in year 6, i went to take a shower and i looked down and realised that i couldnt see my toes anymore.
• i started getting stretch marks on my thighs and hips. mum took me to the doctor. he said "you need to loose weight."
• when i was getting picked up early in primary school, and i ran towards my mum in excitement. but when i reached her, she said "dont run, your boobs are flopping up and down, and your belly is jiggling."
• when my mum said "its good your eating again, you look healthy again."
• when my size 8 jeans started to get tight and i couldnt wear them anymore.
• when my friend lost a massive amount of weight and i gained.
• when my boyfriend picked me up and i could hear him struggling
• when my sister said that my legs look fat and i look like i'm squishing my fat togther.
• when i lost 8 kilos and gained 7 back.
• when i tried on one of my mums top and it was super tight and i could see my back rolls.
• when i discovered my thighs smack together
• when i discovered my arms wobble
• when i discovered i have a beer belly
• when i discovered i have a huge butt
• when i discovered my double chin
• when i discovered my fingers are fat.

i will not eat.

FML

well i went over 100..
but i stayed around 200 coz i had sour cream and kinda just forgot i was eating it and kept eating it. fuck.
i guess its okay.

i didnt have dinner. my mum  was persistant. and when i said no for the fifth time, you know what she said?
"Fine. Pig."

i skip breakfast lunch and dinner
and i'm a pig.

ihateme

Ana's Plan For Me

WEEK ONE.
Monday- 100
Tuesday- 250
Wednesday - 150
Thursday- 300
Friday - Fast
Saturday- 200
Sunday- 150

Weigh in's are on Fridays. I will be posting them too. i can do it.

breaking up with BED and Mia

i know i was probably suffering from binge eating disorder too. i mean eating close to 1000 cals in less then 2 hours is hardly what you call normal.. ergh.
well i hate them both.
i hate binging
and i hate purging.
so i'm officially BREAKING UP WITH YOU TWO!

To BED,
in simple words, i've never liked you. yes you have given me the satisfaction of when my favourite fatty foods enter my mouth, but in the long haul, you make me loathe myself. you make me fat. you shovel food down my throat constantly even when i'm full. you give me chubby arms, wobbly fat cellulite thighs, a bloated stomach that covers my abs, a massive butt, a double chin, and i just hate it. i'm trying to lose weight. i am trying to get skinny not fat. your making me fat, therefore i fucking hate you. don't ever come near me again. don't you dare control my body. don't you dare force food down me. ever. goodbye and good riddance. i hope i never see you again.

K.x

Dear Mia,
i can't deny that i don't love you. but recently i just cant deal with you anymore. your getting more and more difficult to handle and it's driving me insane.
i just don't have the time anymore. trying to keep you in my life with school, friends, family and a boyfriend is really really hard. and lately you've been hurting me more and more. i mean for the past couple of weeks, you made me bleed. you've given me chest pains. you've made me feel sick and dizzy. you've made my teeth week that they are now sensitive to cold and hot stuff. you've made my joints crack and sieze up. it just hurts. i didnt know you were going to hurt me. i thought i could trust you. but everyone is right. your not good for me. and frankly, i'm replacing you with Ana. yes she does hurt me too, but she makes me a whole lot happier then you've ever made me.
i will miss you though. i'll miss that high you give me after every meeting with you. i'll miss hiding you in my closet. i'll miss chucking you away. i'll miss cleaning up your mess. i'll miss that good feeling i feel everytime you take out huge quantities of food out of me at once.
but then again. i wont miss you making me look like shit. i wont miss the stomach/chest/head pains you give me. i wont miss you creating scars on my hand. i wont miss the smell of you. i wont miss hiding you.
so this is goodbye. not forever though. i doubt i'll ever be able to FULLY live without you. but i wont be seeing you for a while. Ana's with me now. if i want to be with her, i must follow her rules, and only if i disobey her ( and i dont plan to) she gives me permission to see you. goodbye, i hope i wont be seeing you anytime soon. maybe we'll meet again. maybe we wont.

Love Krystal.

And thats the end of that chapter.
Hello Ana, welcome to my life.
i will now be posting what i eat everyday and how much exercise.
i bought a pair of size 6 shorts today. they nearly do up. i want them to be loose. and i cant wait till that day arrives. :)

new destination.

my sail has no wind,
my wind has no sea,

my sea has no shore anymore.














i'm never going to be good enough.

maybe i'm weird

but i hate hate hate hate it when my boyfriend calls me beautiful/smart/funny/cute.
just makes me feel a billion times uglier and makes me wana crawl under a rock and die.
i dunno.
i'm weird like that i guess.
but i dont like it.

update

i havnt been updating because i've been really busy. hw has risen steadily and b/p dosent help me get it done. it wastes so much of my fucking time. i hate eating. and i hate purging. ergh. i dunno why i just cant stop.

butttttt!!!!!!! good news, on the 4th March i've reached 50.5kg. FUCKKK YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS. lowest weight again. last time i was in this weight i didnt get my period. but i did eat yesterday and today. yesterday i ate normal 3 meals. and today i didnt have breakfast but i did have lunch and lots of bloody icecream. my stomach is still flat though thank god. but i think i might have gained so i'm not going to weigh myself for a couple of days.

i will update more. i promise.
and i will get skinny. i promise.

i can't help but think that if you saw me now,
there is no way that you'll still love me.

its all because i'm fat.

i think i really need help. i just think i need to tell someone. but seriously if i do, what is the benefit for me in that? they'll just watch me. make me eat everything. make me fat. i dont want to be fat. i'm already too fat.
but the stress of school and everything is getting to me. i've realised i've wasted so much time throwing up and binging when i could have been studying or doing something with my friends, family or boyfriend. what's wrong with me. how did i get here? will i ever get better? or will it all just become to much for me that i'll come to a end one day?
right now it is really tempting to just die. i want to so bad. just for everything to end. just for once in my life not worry about anything. school, family, being fat.


i dont know what to do.


[Edit] i forgot to mention, im starting to cut again. fingers, arms, legs, hips. hello blood, how i've missed seeing your scarletness.

i'll never be perfect, i'll never be cool, i'll always be nothing.

 - Jason Derulo.