i fit into my size 7 jeans.

i bought these jeans in july last year.
i havnt been able to fit into them fully for 7 months after buying them.
i finally am able to fit into them comfortable.
a size 7 in australia
is a size 3 in US? i think. i went online to convert lol.
i have 3 more sizes to loose to get to a zero.
you know i used to be a size 10-12. thats 6-8 in US.
i've lost half my size then? WoOp WoO. well i hope the converting thing wasnt lying. coz if it was... XP
i can do it.
i will do it.
and i wont take that long trying to get there.
I CAN DO IT.

p.s. my sister is the biggest bitch in the world. i asked her if i looked okay when i put on my jeans. she's like "no, it dosent look good." i felt so shit and i was like are you serious? and shes like "no no i'm kidding god." so i'm like "well then can you just stop joking around seriously? everytime you say stuff like that makes me want to kill myself. i hope you'll be happy when i fucking die." and what did she say in response? absolutely nothing. thats how fucking heartless she is. not even a fucking sorry.

i loathe selfishness.
i loathe people who are self-centered.
i loathe people who don't consider other people's emotions.
i loathe people who are careless enough to hurt others.

if i was selfish, i would kill myself.
if i was self-cenetered, i'd only think of me and i'd boast about my ED to make sure everyone knew my feelings and how shit my life is.
if i didnt consider other people's emotions, i would've hurt all the one's i love a million times more then i already have.
if i was careless, i'd be the coldest person in this world.

i dont understand people who put themselves first.

i felt happy today

i did really well in one of my assignment.
100% for my speech.
and 92% for my written.
WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
i was so suprised! my teacher pulled people one at a time out of the classroom to discuss and he asked me what i think i got out of 20. and in my head i'm like "i bet i got a fucking zero." but i didnt want to say that out loud so i'm like "um... 10?15?" and he's like you got full marks.
i was like *SCREAM omg !
ahahaha
all those sleepless night spending hours on the computer reading up information on at least 100 websites. bawling my eyes out because i didnt understand any of the questions. trying to keep myself awake with all my strength in class the next day.
IT PAYED OFF.
FUCK YES!
hahah
wooooo woooo
happy man, really happy.

.. now to fast for the weekend and get under 50kg!
THEN i'll be ecstatic.

i cant stop

i wont stop.
i just cant do it.
i wont stop when it hurts.
i wont stop when its suffocating me.
i wont stop when i see blood.
i just wont stop.
i just cant bring myself to stop.

i want to stop.
but i really dont know how.

i absolutely love this quote. Winter girls, one of my favourite books of all time.

Why? You want to know why?
Step into a tanning booth and fry yourself for two or
three days. After your skin bubbles and peels off, roll in
coarse salt, then pull on long underwear woven from spun
glass and razor wire. Over that goes your regular clothes,
as long as they are tight.
Smoke gunpowder and go to school to jump through
hoops, sit up and beg, and roll over on command. Listen to
the whispers that curl into your head at night, calling you
ugly and fat and stupid and bitch and whore and worst
of all “a disappointment.” Puke and starve and cut and
drink because you don’t want to feel any of this. Puke and
starve and cut and drink because you need an anesthetic
and it works. For a while. But then the anesthetic turns
into poison and by then it’s too late because you are mainlining
it now, straight into your soul. It is rotting you and
you can’t stop.
Look in a mirror and find a ghost. Hear every heartbeat
scream that everysinglething is wrong with you.
“Why?” is the wrong question.
Ask “Why not?”

He said, She said.

so today my boyfriend said...
"your so small. i bet i could wrap my arms around you twice." he said
"no you cant, i'm not that small." i said
"i can feel your ribs! your so skinny man! and you still think your fat." he said
"no you cant, you have to press and dig in to feel them" i said.
"no, really i can feel them." he said

i was happy happy happy after these two comments. i dont think i've ever been called "small" before. but then..
my sister said after i told her what my boyfriend said..
"why is he lying to you?"

.....

talk about killing my day. in result i was depressed and i ate. I FUCKING ATE. and i got rid of it straight away. it was funny. i didnt even had much and i felt SOOOOO FULL. like i ate a truck load of things. but i didnt. i had:
- this egg thing with vegetables around it. no idea how many cals
- a dumpling
- my sour cream
- this rice thing with like some kind of beans in it.

not much. but i felt so full and sick. like i was going to puke. so i did. lol.
SHAME ON ME.
restricting again tomorrow.

i havnt purged in two days. THATS A FUCKING NEW RECORD! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.
all i've been consuming to stay away from fainting is:
light peanut butter (its like half the cals of normal peanut butter. when my mum got it and i checked the back i literally jumped in excitement. LOL)
light sour cream (one container is like 400 cals. i dont normally eat the whole thing in a day, half or a quarter but today i consumed it all. i felt bad and thought about purging but i didnt.)
milo (20 cals a tablespoon. ohh yeahh. this stuff keeps me going.)
coffee ( it helps me stay awake during lessons in the morning. haha)
diet coke (seriously, to the person who invented this: your a fucking legend.)
waterrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr !

so that's all i've been having these past couple of days. no solid food. nope nope. i feel lighter already and my stomach has FINALLY shrunk abit after days and days of endless binging and purging. i was afraid it was a permanant thing. phew. i havnt weighed myself in a week though. i'm so scared. i think i'll weigh on the weekend if i can keep this up for the next couple of days. i think i can. i can. i can. i can. i will. i will. i will.

x

i dont understand

why is it when i show concerns to my boyfriend, that he shoves it in my face and makes me look like an idiotic overprotective freak?
you say you want to walk in the middle of the night on the streets drunk.
i say, thats really dangerous and anything could happen to you
you say you want to drive really fast when its pouring down raining
i say, you must drive slower when its raining, not faster.
you say you want to stand in the middle of the road for a bet
i say, do you realise that a car could come and end my purpose of existence?

are you purposely saying you want to do dangerous and reckless things to get me worried and concerned and want to cry? or do you just like hurting me by putting yourself in danger? or do you just think that i dont love you so if you did these things i wouldnt care? because i do fucking care. i care so fucking much. you have no idea how much i fucking love you. you have no idea how much you mean to me. and yet you act like, you dont care about my feelings at all..

i dont think you realise how much i cry over you. i love you so much, thats why i'm so sensitive when you say shit like that. and you think you love me more than i love you? FAT CHANCE. YOU DONT FUCKING CARE HOW MUCH YOU HURT ME. YOUR SO IGNORANT WHEN IT COMES TO HURTING ME. YOU DONT REALISE THAT YOU NEED TO THINK BEFORE YOU LET CRAP COME OUT OF YOUR MOUTH.

i want to throw up sooo bad right now. ergh. everytime im upset i just wana eat and throw up. just so i could numb the pain for a while. but i'm not going to. i didnt eat anything today and i'm not about to break that. woop woop.

i wish my stomach would rumble though.
maybe that will help get my mind off things for a while.

*Sigh have to do hw now. :(

it's not right for parents to go to their children's funeral

i attended my first ever funeral today. it was the saddest day of my life. i've never seen so many people dressed in black. i've never seen so many people standing together without saying a word. i've never seen so many people cry all at once. i've never seen a mother so heartbroken that your own heart will break a million times just watching her shed tears for her dead son.
to hear a mother howling and screaming for her son is the saddest thing in the world. i cried so much today.
i know i was not particularly crying because i've lost a friend. i probably havnt spoken to him since primary school but i was crying for his family and his friends. to see them lose someone they love so much, so suddenly, is just..

i saw a dead corpse for the first time today.
he looked so peaceful. he looked asleep. dreaming of something sweet. as soon as i saw him i broke down completely. it's hard to believe it was just an empty shell. that he's not really sleeping. that he's left and he's gone forever. i feel so sorry for his family. they didn't even get a chance to say goodbye. it's so unfair.

it's just sad. knowing that he wont ever breathe again. his heart will never beat again. his mother wont be able to hold him again. he'll never walk this earth again.
R.I.P

theres no point trying to fix something that is broken beyond repair.

Unbreakable Vows. Starts 9th Feb 2010

DIET PLAN.
1. I will not eat anything over 100 cals everyday. drinks are excluded, but i cannot exceed over 300 in drinks. the only time i will have to eat over 100 cals is when out with family/boyfriend/friends and i have absolutely no choice whatsoever.
2. I will walk an hour everyday and do 750-1000 situps and 100 lunges. The only time that i will not be able to do these things is when i'm out/ too much hw/ no time due to unavoidable circumstances.
3. I will weigh myself every friday afternoon after school.
4. I must not eat any kind of fast food unless in an unavoidable situation.
5. I must not purge unless i exceed over 600 cals. and i find the need to do it. best to stay away from and work it off.
6. I MUST REACH 46 KILOS. I MUST I MUST I MUST. and i must fit into size 6 jeans.

MY LOVE
1. I must let him know how much i love him and how much he means to me everyday.
2. I must never say anything to hurt him or upset him in any way possible.
3. I must appreciate and cherish every moment spent with him, down to every second.
4. I must find ways to let him know how much i love him.
5. I must never ever take him for granted. he is the best person in the world that makes me feel like i have a purpose in life. he actually loves me, which i find is so amazingly surreal. "why would anyone love me?"

FRIENDS
1. I must keep in contact with all that have changed my life in some way,
2. I must take photos and start conversations with people i hardly talk to anymore.
3. I must get to know more of them. ask how they are. whats new in their lives etc.
4. I must go out with them more. Time is running out and the incident that happened on sunday morning made me realize just how many people i'm taking for granted.
5. I will always be there for anyone/anytime whenever they need me. I want to be the one people are able to depend on in times of need.

FAMILY
1. I must help mother around the house.
2. I must be less ordering on my baby sister.
3. I must appreciate that i have a loving family even though i do take them for granted sometimes and i want to stab them all to death, i must remember they will always be there for me no matter what and i must appreciate that.

note: i might add addition vows later on. right now i am too tired to think.

R.I.P

A 17 year old boy died this morning around 3am in a car accident. I knew him in primary school. We were friends and in the same class. I havn't talked to him since beginning high school. It just feels so weird to realize he's gone. I'll always remember him even if we havn't spoken in years. He'll always be apart of my life because he was there in my life, even if it was a small aspect.

it's so unfair how you had to go. to be so young, and to know you when you were little, and never realise that you would'nt be able to grow up fully. we were young, and we always had the sentence of "when i grow up i wana be..." hoping to be whatever we wanted. we all shared a dream. to learn and to live. you were never given that chance, to go, at such a young age. not even able to finish school. it's so unfair. you'll always be remembered by your family and friends. even by the people who haven't spoken to you in a while. you were there, you were in my life, you live in my memories.
R.I.P
i wish i made abit of effort to stay in touch.
xx

LOL

my sister discovered something about the word "live" today.
"live is evil backwards".
somehow i find that very ironic.

WTF HAPPENED TO ME TODAY !?

I ATE SO FUCKING MUCH
I HATE MYSELF
I'VE BEEN STARVING AND MY BELLY FINALLY FUCKING DISAPPEARED
AND TODAY
GUESS WHAT ?
I HAVE A HUGE BELLY STICKING OUT OF MY TORSO.

i really hate myself now. i just binged again. and i'm gettin ready to go purge. how did this happen to me? i want to die. crawl under a rock and die. i wish i had a massive paper bag to cover all of me so no one would see how ugly i am. i want to cut so bad but i cant. my boyfriend will notice. he did before and i told him i got bored.. he looked at me like "wtf, are you serious? cutting yourself because you simply were bored?" and i just smiled and nodded and said "yeap i'm a freak" and he laughed. i dont think he really believed me though. he had a look of concern on the face but he didnt persue the subject. but that dosent help me at all. i want to cut so so bad. i wana bleed.

okay, i just tried purging for half an hour. all that came up was water and abit of what i ate. in a way i'm sort of glad i didnt get anything out. i hate purging. and while i was trying to do it just now, i kept thinking "i dont want to do this anymore." so i've formed a plan.
1. i will try my HARDEST to stop purging. i cant handle it anymore. the secrets. the lying. the hiding. the time wasted when i couldve been studying or doing unfinished hw. i just want to stop. so tomorow, or the next day, i'm going to empty out my bin filled with vomit. its so gross. it has like 2 days worth of food inside it. smiles horrible. and it weighs 5.5kg. i dunno why but i weigh my vomit? it just makes me think that if i didnt purge that i'd be 5.5kg heavier. that thought really scares me, so in order to not gain weight i have another plan.
2. i am not going to eat. i will fast tomorrow and on monday. if i eat on tuesday it will either be celery/carrot/green apple/lollipop. it will be my new plan/diet. i want to be hungry forever. forever empty. i will be skinny. and thin. and light. and most of all, beautiful.
4. exercise, exercise, exercise. i've always wanted abs. i'm going to get abs. i wanted abs before my ED formed. so i'm walking/running everyday for an hour. and 750-1000 situps/crunches/reverse situps a day. 100 lunges. and i will increase that amount every second week. i will have a skinny and toned body and reach 45-48 kilos soon and stay there.
3. i will knuckle down and study my ass off every night ! i'm sick of being behind on hw or topics. i want to be ahead of everyone ! and i will do it! i want to be a smart and skinny nerd!

so that's that. im hoping i will give up on mia. ana's been with me for the last few days and i really liked what shes done. got rid of my belly. made me feel light. made my bones more dominant and taken weight off me. i want her to stay. i love mia, but shes too much to handle. i dont know if i will completely let her go. i havnt been able to survive a day without her these couple weeks. but i will start from tomorrow. i hope i'll be able to do it.

hope everyone else is doing better than me. xx

Topic 3: mia is taken over me completely. though ana does stick around during the day

i cant last all day without food because i have school. but when i get home. at like 4 or 5pm i eat. sometimes alot, sometimes a lil. but i purge. till everything is gone. till i taste acid. and then i last till it comes to 10-11pm. i eat again. and purge again. till everything is gone. till i taste acid.
the other day blood came up. and i didnt even stop. just kept going. kind of freaked me out, but i managed to keep on going.
"dont stop, all the food aint out of you yet. if you stop now, it'd stick to you and you'll be a fat idiot forever." whispered mia as the toilet bowl filled with the colour scarlet.
so yeah, i didnt stop. i did it again the next day. and again the day after. i'm officially addicted to purging. its so bad, but i cant stop. ah well. at least i'm gettin skinnier. thats the positive in this stupid fucked up situation.

Topic 2: school is completly shit.

i mean it literally shit. i just hate sociallising now. i like to be alone. i like to be isolated. the only person i stay with at school is my best friend. and my boyfriend. but thats about it. everyone just irratates me so much these days. one look from anyone and i wana punch them in the face. lol
even my other friends, i cant be bothered to hang with them/talk to them/ go out with them. it just seems like so much effort. and i always think i look like the needy one trying to please them and try to be the best friend i could be to them. yet they dont seem to try at all. and so i'm sick of it. sick of trying to please people. in the end.. whats the point really? all for nothing.
and the work load now is really starting to pile on. every subject we get hw now. and have exams in like 5-6 weeks. and assesments and assignments. i'm going insane. balancing my ED and studies is becoming so stressful and struggling. theres another topic i wana talk about.. next post.

Topic 1: insomnia has taken over me

well at first, i didnt have a choice to not sleep. my assignment was due this week and i havnt finished it because i didnt understand the questions. so on sunday night i stayed up till 3. got up at 6. 3 hours sleep. i was soo tired the whole day on monday, i was literally dead woman walking. (dead fat woman walking.) i kept nodding off randomly in class. i expected to sleep that day. but i didnt. i asked the teacher about the assignment, he answered my questions and i stayed up till 2 doing my assignment. 4 hours sleep. i was completely trashed the next day. i didnt know if i was awake or sleeping. and the rest of the week i've just had 5 hours sleep everyday.
i dunno about anyone else but i need a good 7-8 hours to be on top of everything the next day. and well i've finished my assignment, but i'm still staying up and sleeping less then usual.
its completely killing me.
i miss sleep!
i love sleep!
i want to sleep right now! but theres always something thats keeping me awake. like a constant reminder of nothing? if that makes sense? i dont know.

a number of topics to talk about

yes, i havnt been posting frequently. schools just taken everything but i'm still reading peoples blogs. just havnt had time to actually write in mine. and so, there is a numerous of things i want to talk about so im just going to post them seperately otherwise this post will turn in to a massive long boring rambling. and nobody likes to read ramblings.

i think he knows

reasons:
1. i never eat when with him. and i spend nearly all day with him and as he gets hungry, he gets suspicious if i say i'm not hungry if it's been more then 4-5 hours since i've had "breakfast". note: i never have breakfast. lol
2. he inisits on buying me food. "let me buy you lunch", "arnt you hungry? lets go get something to eat.", "what do you want? cake? ice-cream? lollies? chips? maccas?" (it always, ALWAYS seems to be junk food that is mentioned first, obviously i say:NO.)
3. i have mentioned months before that i wanted to lose weight. and i was going to do it. he didnt seem that against it when i mentioned it. that was a bonus (Y)
4. the things i used to like, i do not like no more. eg. chocolate, ice-cream. i havnt had chocolate since last year. and i hope it stays that way because i am very proud of my achievement. woop woo. of course how can you just hate something you once loved? easy, the "love" was showing on my thighs.
5. he mentioned that why i'm "in this phase" and i look "perfect" the way i am. i hardly answer when it comes to these questions. nod, laugh, smile. i wont look so perfect to you if you knew what i did everyday.

maybe he's just worried. or maybe i'm too obvious. whatever the reason, i did eat in front of him today. just to prove to him i was fine. it was a salad though. only 36 cals. thank god. but i still didnt want to eat it. i have a hard time keeping solids down as i find it hard to make them come back up.

hmm. when will i get out of this "phase" you say? i dunno. tomorow. next month. next year. next decade. um maybe never?