Think I've reached a point.

A scary point. I think I've been purging way too much that I've started to see some effects. These include:

• chest pains
• stomach churning ( I really have no idea what the hell this is and it's scaring me, its like rumbling but not the hunger pains, more like moving around rollercoasters inside. It dosent make me feel sick but just gets me paraniod. I'm often asking "What the hells going on in there?!")
• tasting blood. This one is new to me. After a year of throwing up constantly it's the first ever time blood has found its way up too.
• puffy cheeks
• the top of my mouth on the inside is swollen. i forgot what their called.. glands? :S (note to self: study science ! since the topic we're going to be learning is about how the digestive system works, the information could be quite useful because I have absolutely no idea what goes on in the insides of everybody. literally.
• swollen tonsils. my fingers have found that they have become big and sore.

sooo i'm going to try my absolute best to stop purging for as long as i can. the longest i go on without it is only one day. mia is really really clingy, and its not like i'm complaining, i absolutely love her but i really need time to sort things out in my head and just give us a little time apart because i just cant deal with eating and rushing into my room, sticking my fingers down my throat and watching my breakfast/lunch/dinner/ snack/binge fall into my bin. it's just so not pretty and i feel like absolute crap before and after i purge.

so mia i want to say goodbye ? but of course its not for forever (i cant even survive a day, the thought of giving up on her forever scares the hell out of me) but maybe for a couple of days? i miss the hunger feeling. i want it back. but i have a feeling i might fail and eat a shit load of junk and just run back to mia. but i will try absolutely everything to stay away as long as possible. farewell mia.. i'm sure i'll be back soon but hopefully not that soon.

x