Hi, Je m'appele Krystal

I've decided to create a blog where I can finally let out certain aspects of my life that I keep secret. I call it my "other life". In this life, I am surrounded by monsters. My name is Krystal, and everything is dark and scary. I lose my head and I lose tract of what's going on in my real life and who I really am. In this life, i have a addiction. An addicition I thought I would never, ever, ever have.
Well first of all, to speak of my addiction is hard because I've been in denial for a while, and only just recently I had to face the truth that I actually have a problem. I am bulimic.
This "addiction" has been going on for a year. And at first I thought it was nothing to worry about, I mean I heard people get hooked into it and can't stop once they start, but I NEVER thought I would become one of those people and be part of this maddening loop.
Now I've made this blog to simply let out everything that goes on in my head, because I simply cannot leave everything bottled up inside because I have no one to talk to as no one know about this "other life" of mine.
I've seen numerous amount of blogs with girls talking about their ED and so I've decided to make one too and just let out all emotion I normally keep in.
Well at first, I wasn't hooked. It started maybe from once every two weeks? to maybe once a week? then i stopped. And I didnt do it for a long time.
Of course this started because I wanted to lose weight. I mean come on.. who dosent want to lose those extra 2-3 kilos? And well I just wanted to stop eating.. so much. And the day I started I had food and just decided to get rid of it? I was like "heyy.. why not try that and I can stop eating starting from tomorow? "
And then I just stopped eating. Well stopped eating as much as I used to. I started chewing and spitting instead. And that worked for a while. I lost 6 kilos in 3 weeks of chewing and spitting. I was absolutely thrilled. I started at 56.5 kilos (124.3 pounds) and in just three weeks I was down to 50.5 kilos (111 pounds).
Of course my mother noticed my weight lose, and stupid me gloated about it everyday. I was addicted. Chew, Spit, Weigh. Chew, Spit, Weigh. Watching the numbers go down felt so good. I felt pretty.
But my mum was really on my case then. Started to take me to doctors and the school year advisor got involved. I was pissed off. But to make my mother happy, I started to eat my meals again. I didnt eat breakfast or at school. I just had dinner in front of her when she came home and sometimes lunch. Then of course, I just started eating all meals again. And welcome back fatty.
I went to 52 kilos, then 53, then 54 and then just kept going up. So then i welcomed back my old friend mia. The one i used to hang with once a week. then twice a week. then three times.
"What you talking about? I dont have a problem. I can stop if I want to." Of course i was just lying to myself. I managed to just get over it. I stopped caring about gaining weight and just wanted to go back to how I was before. But then I found a new motivation. My closest friend started losing TONS of weight. I mean she was skinnier then me before but then she just got thinner and sooo much prettier. Well jealousy is a curse, and it hit me hard in the face. She was already everything I wanted to look like, and then I just turned into a fat slob next to her. I love her to bits coz shes been with me through thick and thin but I just wished and wished to be on the same level as her ! I always seemed to be one step behind..
Holidays were the worst. I went back to my FATTEST weight I've ever been my entire life. 58 kilos. (127.6pounds.) I came back from my holiday and my friend got skinner. It was like she was giving me all her fat. Or I just took her fat. But that was when Mia came back.
I started seeing her 5 times a week. Once every two days. Everyday. 3-5 times a day. I was in a loop. The numbers started going down again. 57 , 56.5, 56, 55.5, 55, 54.5 , 54, 53, 52, 51.5 . Right now I am 52.
I would starve, then eat, then throw up. Next day: Starve, eat, purge. Day after: Starve, eat, purge. At one point I would eat, purge, eat, purge, eat purge numerous times in a day.
I was addicted.
I am wishing to stop seeing Mia. But the most I can go on without seeing her is one day. But then doing it wasnt just about losing weight. If I had a fight with someone, I would go eat (even when I wasn't hungry) and just throw it up.
It was my sense of relief.
My escape.
And now it's just my nightmare.
I'm sorry my first post is so long.
I just want to let everything be clear before I let out all emotions to this blog.
And if anyone reads this, I appreciate it that you took your time to read about my crazy "other life".
But for now, I say Au Revoir ! And I will be back as often as I can to update my "other life" :)

xx Krystal Klear.