why do i bother

sometimes i think i try too much.
i give too much.
i love too much.
and it all just backfires back on me.
like some massive explosion.
all my efforts turn to dust.
why can't i be good enough?
why can't anyone be appreciative enough for the things i do for them?
why is it, i'm always the one that has to make the first move? or the one that has to make the most effort?
is it so hard, to consider someone else?

i think i did it again. i believed in something that wasnt there. my worst nightmare. i really dont like being jerked around. my heart can only break so many times till its uprepairable.

"it's not you, its me"
i've heard this phrase too many times to know that the problem is actually me. please, just tell me the truth.

i want to die.
the pain, is too much.
i hope theres a heaven.
please let there be a heaven.

why is it when nice things are said to me i want to yell and scream and cry?
whatswrongwithme?
everything.

another half a kilo gone ! most up and down week ever.

well this week started off fairly well but ended in a shit hole and my head in the bin with puke all over my fingers/hair/floor/mouth.

i spent monday, tuesday and wednesday with boyfriend. it twas a very good 3 days. we talked, laughed, walked, held hands, kissed, and even communicated without saying any words. ( i thought this was quite cute coz it was like we knew what each other was saying just by looking at each other's facial expressions. i was LOL'ing on the inside. it was like we were in sync :)) and for the first time ever... i wrote him a love letter. it took me ages and ages to write coz i couldnt find the write words to explain how much i love him and how much he means to me. but i did it, and he loved it. so yay ! haha its so lovely being with him. and he is so lovely. sometimes i wish i could tell him this secret part of me but i'm so scared he would leave. but i'm even more scared if he tried to get me help. i dont want help. i want to be fucked in the head for the rest of my life as insane as that sounds. but i do love him, and maybe one day i'll tell him and maybe he'll understand and still want to stay with me, but for now... shh.

but yeah started off a good week, but from thursday started going real shit. school started, and i hate school so much right now. i just can't stick to be around people. everyones just so stupid and annoying and nosy and just loves to cause problems and get into people's businesses. it's just so high school and friends you dont know who to trust coz they'll just talk about you when your not there. and now that its year 12 and last year of school, all the teachers are saying "it's the last year and your HSC, make memories and study hard!" and then roll in the homework/assignments/tests/exams.
*sigh. i have started studying but i really can't be bothered sometimes. i know i'm smart, but i'm just lazy. (explains why i'm fat.) ergh.

anyways, yeah just not happy bout school started. i dont get to see my boyfriend as much since no one knows we're dating. (we're keeping it quiet coz we don't want the attention and plus the less people that know, the less people that can fuck it up for us since most relationships have some kind of bump in result of other people).
but yeah, i dunno, the plus side that's schools started is that i dont eat all day! WOO ! in result, half a kilo gone:). but the purging is getting worse. i eat at night and although i don't each as much i spend an hour trying to get everythingsinglething out. it hurts. i'm gettin really bad stomach pains, but i'm no where near stopping what i do. its my only way to deal with shit.

family isnt going too well. me and my mum keep fighting. and this kind of triggers me to purge. even if i'm not hungry i'll eat just so i can purge. because when i do i feel like the weight on my shoulders lift a little bit.
i feel relieved.

but yes!!!!!! i weighed today and 51kg ! wooohooooooo ! starving for the rest of today and tomorowww ! and hopefully i'll be 50.5kg soon. my lowest weight. and then hopefully i'll get into the 40s soon. ahhh that sounds really really exciting.

anyways another shit thing that happened this week. one of my friends is stealing my idea for her 18th birthday. i am so fucking pissed. i was crying my eyes out. i felt so stupid but she knew it was my idea first and she stole it ! its really not fair coz her birthday's before mine and if i did it.. i'd look like the idiot that tried to copy a good party.

i dont care. at least i'm gettin skinnier then her ! LOL
she can do whatever she wants. i'll drink until i puke. oh yeahh. i spent my 17th birthday puking. and i guess my 18th wont be any differnt. just that this time i'll be puking alcohol instead of cake. and hopefully i'll be 8 kilos lighter.

but yeahh thats about it that happened this week. hopefully next week will be better. i'm going to have to start my assignment and hw now. :(
bye !

take care lovelies
xx K
"nothing tastes as good as thin feels.."

i hate my family.

mums a bitch.
dads in jail for beating up his own daughter.
sisters not even my blood.

wtf kind of family is this?
just cuts and bruises and a whole lot of bleeding.

sorry i havnt posted in a while

just schools started and i've had alot to do.
and i havnt really been in a good mood.
especially today
but i promise i'll post a good long one tomoroow with thinspo.
take care xx

yayyyyyyyyyyyyyy

i was worried for nothing ! :)
went out with bf and friends
and i didnt eat anything !!!!!!! woooooooooo !
i just said i wasnt hungry
and it workeddddddd
and i lost half a kilo!!!!
yayyyyyyyyyyyyyyy

ahaha
anyways
the body i want :


freja beha.
i loooooooooooooooooove her legs.
omomomomom.

being hungry is worth it if i get to look like this.

OMGG i went to see boyfriend and my stomach just kept rumbling like i had a kitten purring in my stomach.
i wanted to punch it.
ergh
but no food today!
wooooooooooooooooo
:)
another half kilo.. go away please?
yes?
go?
go.
i dont want you anymore.

go away and dont EVER come back.

i found the body i want to look like.

will post pictures of her tomorow.
right now i am dead dead dead tired.
nite !

484848484848484848484848484848484848484848484848484848484848484848484848484848484848

i want to be 48 kilos.
coz then i can work to be 45 kilos.
i just want to be in the 40s !
the 50s is just so fucking depressing !
i want to cry!
:'(

48484848484848484848!!!!!
i will get there !
i dont give a fuck if i have to starve everyday to get there !
i want to get there !
at least in 2 weeks !
come onnn mann
god be fair !


i am SO not looking forward to 2moro.
spending the whole day with my boyfriend and his friends. hes going to buy me foood !
i'm going to pretend i'm sick.
in fact i am sick.
my throat hurts
i could say i ahve a throat infection and just have liquids?
i have a feeling it wont work though.
so i'm just going to say i feel sick.
like i'm going to hurl sick.
because im spending the whole day with them
and i wont be able to get away to purge.
ARGH
i hate eating and not being able to get it out.
and i wont be able to work out as much 2moro!
FUCK THIS
i want to go.
but slkdfjghsldkjfgskdjfgsdfgsdflk
idontwanttoeat.
iwanttostayhungryforever.
iwanttobethin.
iwantthegapbetweenmythighs.
iwantmyskinnyjeanstofit.
iwantmyribstostickout.
iwantmyhipbonestopokeout.
iwanttoseemyspine.

I WANT IT.

i hate letting people down.

especially when it wasnt my choice to let them down. being in a situation when you are forced to let the ones you love down. it's so hard to be able to say the right words.
the worst is when you've been looking forward to something. and then last minute, something happens and you have to be the one to take down everyones hopes. its a shit feeling. to know that because of you, they are left with a frown and disappointment etched upon their faces.
but then i think, maybe what feels even worse is when they understand your situation and become completely understanding. it kills me internally that they dig out some positive and then try to see the silver lining and make it better for me when i'm the bitch who took the fun.

ihatethisfeeling.ihatemyself.ihatechangingthing.ihatebeingthebadone.ihatebeingme.
i wana cut again.
i havnt in ages.
i want to cut really deep and watch the blood drip everywhere. a pretty shiny red.
i want to feel pain on the outside. because the pain on the inside hurts to much and i cant bear it.

almost gave in

i went to the fridge and roamed around it looking for something edible.
i opened the cupboard and led my eyes around in search for something tastey.
i walked to the freezer and opened it and found myself holding a paddlepop.
i placed it onto the couch and looked at it.

"I'm going on my walk soon so i can work it off by running too."
"I didnt eat anything all day and it's only 107 calories."
"Maybe if I ate half of it, it wouldnt count to anything coz it'd only be 54 calories"

but..

"It's been ages since i've fasted a whole day without screwing it up at night."
"I'll feel so so so so bad after I eat it. I'll feel like a worthless piece of dung."
"It will probably lead to a binge. And soon I'll consume special k, bread, cheese, peanuts, yoghurt, noodles, and a whole other shit food that'll make me fat."
"I dont want this. I want to be skinny."

so i put the paddlepop back into the fridge and i took an icecube.
yum yum yum.

my stomach starts to rumble.
i'm succeding.
horrah !

now to start my assignment .. *sigh

had a good, but really really hot day.

i didnt purge at all today ! i didnt eat anything either !

yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!

i'm not even hungry :)

it. feels. so. goddamn.good.

i hope i wont eat later though.. i always tend to eat late at night. and since it's the holidays i've been stayin up to 3am and just eat when i cant sleep ><

bad habit.

i will not eat tonight.

and i will not eat tomorrow.

i will not.

yesterday was really bad. ate breakfast. puked it up. ate lunch. puked it up. didnt have dinner. had like 3 cups of milo and puked it up. erghhhhhhhhhhhh

i hate/love puking. yeahh that feels weird to say, but thats just how i feel about it i guess. i dunno, watever at least mia didnt see me today. i'm hoping i wont see you tomorrow either? seriously my throat needs to heal and i just dont want to eat. but yeahhh anyways...

i have 2 more new followers !:) YAY

thanks for following and taking the time to read my blog:)

i'm going to read all your blogs now :)

stay strong lovess

x K.K

Katerina Graham

i really admire girls who look good/fun/pretty and especially when they can look cute when they make funny faces. i think they look 10 x prettier then they really are when they look all happy and smiley ! i was watchin vampire diaries the other day (major thinspo, all the girls are sooo thin!) and one of the actors Katerina Graham is in it and i think shes soooooo pretty. i googled her and found her modelling fotos and she just looks so fun and soooo thin!! anyways heres wat she looks like : thin, pretty, fun.

love her outfit.








i love her hair

epic fail.

well i remember previously today i posted that i was having a break with my relationship with mia.. turns out she wasnt the clingy one.






i'm the clingy one.


i ran back to her.. after an hour of saying i am ending my relationship with mia, i binged once again. i hate it when my mums goes food shopping. there is ALWAYS something that she gets that i like. this afternoon she got seasme bread sticks. i love them. so i decided to eat 2 long rolls. and then i had rice. and eggs. and 4 bowls of special k.



i then spend my next hour taking all the food out of me. i am in pain now. my knuckles hurt. my mouth is swollen. as are my eyes. my chest hurts and my stomach is churning. and i smell of puke.




FUCKING GREAT.






i will not eat.
i will not eat.
i will not eat.
i will not eat.
i will not eat.




i must not eat. or eating will lead hating myself even more.

I hate..

1. getting my period
2. how my stomach makes lines/rolls of fat when i sit down
3. that i have bigger thighs then my boyfriend
4. my love handles hanging over my underwear
5. my calves as they are incedibly huge and muscely
6. that the size 7 jeans i bought months ago still dosent fit properly
7. how my arm fat jiggles when i wave at someone
8. that when i look down my double chin magically appears
9. that i have no control over myself and i always eat and eat and eat and eat and eat
10. i hate not being happy with how i look

Think I've reached a point.

A scary point. I think I've been purging way too much that I've started to see some effects. These include:

• chest pains
• stomach churning ( I really have no idea what the hell this is and it's scaring me, its like rumbling but not the hunger pains, more like moving around rollercoasters inside. It dosent make me feel sick but just gets me paraniod. I'm often asking "What the hells going on in there?!")
• tasting blood. This one is new to me. After a year of throwing up constantly it's the first ever time blood has found its way up too.
• puffy cheeks
• the top of my mouth on the inside is swollen. i forgot what their called.. glands? :S (note to self: study science ! since the topic we're going to be learning is about how the digestive system works, the information could be quite useful because I have absolutely no idea what goes on in the insides of everybody. literally.
• swollen tonsils. my fingers have found that they have become big and sore.

sooo i'm going to try my absolute best to stop purging for as long as i can. the longest i go on without it is only one day. mia is really really clingy, and its not like i'm complaining, i absolutely love her but i really need time to sort things out in my head and just give us a little time apart because i just cant deal with eating and rushing into my room, sticking my fingers down my throat and watching my breakfast/lunch/dinner/ snack/binge fall into my bin. it's just so not pretty and i feel like absolute crap before and after i purge.

so mia i want to say goodbye ? but of course its not for forever (i cant even survive a day, the thought of giving up on her forever scares the hell out of me) but maybe for a couple of days? i miss the hunger feeling. i want it back. but i have a feeling i might fail and eat a shit load of junk and just run back to mia. but i will try absolutely everything to stay away as long as possible. farewell mia.. i'm sure i'll be back soon but hopefully not that soon.

x

i feel like a fat slob.

title says all. just kept fucking eating today. my throat fucking kills. i bet i'll die of obesity one day. FML.

Hi, Je m'appele Krystal

I've decided to create a blog where I can finally let out certain aspects of my life that I keep secret. I call it my "other life". In this life, I am surrounded by monsters. My name is Krystal, and everything is dark and scary. I lose my head and I lose tract of what's going on in my real life and who I really am. In this life, i have a addiction. An addicition I thought I would never, ever, ever have.
Well first of all, to speak of my addiction is hard because I've been in denial for a while, and only just recently I had to face the truth that I actually have a problem. I am bulimic.
This "addiction" has been going on for a year. And at first I thought it was nothing to worry about, I mean I heard people get hooked into it and can't stop once they start, but I NEVER thought I would become one of those people and be part of this maddening loop.
Now I've made this blog to simply let out everything that goes on in my head, because I simply cannot leave everything bottled up inside because I have no one to talk to as no one know about this "other life" of mine.
I've seen numerous amount of blogs with girls talking about their ED and so I've decided to make one too and just let out all emotion I normally keep in.
Well at first, I wasn't hooked. It started maybe from once every two weeks? to maybe once a week? then i stopped. And I didnt do it for a long time.
Of course this started because I wanted to lose weight. I mean come on.. who dosent want to lose those extra 2-3 kilos? And well I just wanted to stop eating.. so much. And the day I started I had food and just decided to get rid of it? I was like "heyy.. why not try that and I can stop eating starting from tomorow? "
And then I just stopped eating. Well stopped eating as much as I used to. I started chewing and spitting instead. And that worked for a while. I lost 6 kilos in 3 weeks of chewing and spitting. I was absolutely thrilled. I started at 56.5 kilos (124.3 pounds) and in just three weeks I was down to 50.5 kilos (111 pounds).
Of course my mother noticed my weight lose, and stupid me gloated about it everyday. I was addicted. Chew, Spit, Weigh. Chew, Spit, Weigh. Watching the numbers go down felt so good. I felt pretty.
But my mum was really on my case then. Started to take me to doctors and the school year advisor got involved. I was pissed off. But to make my mother happy, I started to eat my meals again. I didnt eat breakfast or at school. I just had dinner in front of her when she came home and sometimes lunch. Then of course, I just started eating all meals again. And welcome back fatty.
I went to 52 kilos, then 53, then 54 and then just kept going up. So then i welcomed back my old friend mia. The one i used to hang with once a week. then twice a week. then three times.
"What you talking about? I dont have a problem. I can stop if I want to." Of course i was just lying to myself. I managed to just get over it. I stopped caring about gaining weight and just wanted to go back to how I was before. But then I found a new motivation. My closest friend started losing TONS of weight. I mean she was skinnier then me before but then she just got thinner and sooo much prettier. Well jealousy is a curse, and it hit me hard in the face. She was already everything I wanted to look like, and then I just turned into a fat slob next to her. I love her to bits coz shes been with me through thick and thin but I just wished and wished to be on the same level as her ! I always seemed to be one step behind..
Holidays were the worst. I went back to my FATTEST weight I've ever been my entire life. 58 kilos. (127.6pounds.) I came back from my holiday and my friend got skinner. It was like she was giving me all her fat. Or I just took her fat. But that was when Mia came back.
I started seeing her 5 times a week. Once every two days. Everyday. 3-5 times a day. I was in a loop. The numbers started going down again. 57 , 56.5, 56, 55.5, 55, 54.5 , 54, 53, 52, 51.5 . Right now I am 52.
I would starve, then eat, then throw up. Next day: Starve, eat, purge. Day after: Starve, eat, purge. At one point I would eat, purge, eat, purge, eat purge numerous times in a day.
I was addicted.
I am wishing to stop seeing Mia. But the most I can go on without seeing her is one day. But then doing it wasnt just about losing weight. If I had a fight with someone, I would go eat (even when I wasn't hungry) and just throw it up.
It was my sense of relief.
My escape.
And now it's just my nightmare.
I'm sorry my first post is so long.
I just want to let everything be clear before I let out all emotions to this blog.
And if anyone reads this, I appreciate it that you took your time to read about my crazy "other life".
But for now, I say Au Revoir ! And I will be back as often as I can to update my "other life" :)

xx Krystal Klear.