havnt updated in a while

well, this month has been utterly crap. i've b/p everyday more then 2 times. funny enough, i never lost my gag reflex. i was waiting for it to fuck off so i wouldnt be able to do it. but its become so easy now to purge. i hate it. the lies. the sleepless nights. the hours wasted. the chainsaw throat. the bloodshot eyes. im dying internally.
but i still cant seem to stop. its become apart of me now, and some days, i actually look forward to do it. how insane is that? maybe i am insane.

ah well, the only good thing in my life right now is my boyfriend. i feel like crap when i'm lying to him but there is no fucking way im telling him this side of me. weirdest thing happened today.
i dont eat during the day. only when i get home at like 4 or 5.
i bought my boyfriend lunch and he started feeding me abit. when he wasnt looking, i spat it out in my hand.
it was wrong i guess, but i couldnt keep it in me. my throat literally felt like it was closing up.
i felt bad.
but i cant do it.
and thats something i dont get. if i cant eat, why do i keep stuffing myself?
doesnt make sense.
or maybe it does. i only eat, so i can stuff and get rid of it. i cant eat if im not getting rid of it.
i see now.
i dont know.
not sure if i'll update anymore.
maybe, possibly.
we'll see. x

i hate myself.

deleted yesterdays post

i duno,
i keep changing my mind.
i think i'm going to stick to 500 then 300.
i just think if i stuck to 300, i would slip up.
so i'm going to take it slow.
get used to no food first.
and i mite just have my goal as 47 right now.
i dunno.
confused.
weirdo.
yes i am.

back under 50. woo

mums losing weigh too.
shes 46.
bitch.

i dont care if shes 12 cm shorter then me, i just think its wrong for daughters to weigh more. mums should have the extra fat. daughters should be slim and pretty. mums should be pretty too, but bigger. ahh iuno.
i shouldnt be jealous but i am. lol
cant help it.
anyways.
today i had:
2 hard candies: 44
pumpkin soup: 77
special k bar: 89
lettuce and italian dressing: 39

having juice box again later which is 117. which then makes my intake 366. i might have more lettuce later. maybe i dont know. or an apple. nah not an apple. ergh yesterday i found out my favourite cheese cubes are 20 cals each.. and i used to eat tons of them without thinking.. idiot.

ah well. was a alrite day. boyfriend upset me abit though. we were joking around and then he goes "nope, i'm not talking anymore." and does that thing where you lock your lips and throw away the key.
we didnt talk for like 20 mins. just walking in silence. i wanted to die. i kept thinking about jumping in front of a car because i wasnt good enough for him. and i wanted to apologize even if it wasnt my fault. i feel like everythings my fault. i think i'm getting depressed. i cry alot these days. for no reason. and scary thoughts come into my mind, like how i should die and how i should cut and take pills and jump of the bridge because i dont deserve to live. ahhh i need to clear my head. i hate thinking like this. it hurts.

ah well he apologised later for not talking and told me he loved me.
why would you love me? im shit.


i've been doing good eating wise. very good.

must do homework now.. bye bye. xx

back?

hmmm seems like everytime i try to stop bloggin i have the urge to blog. lol. today i had:
sour cream 150
green apple 53
5 peanut m&m's 50
carrot 30
special k bar 89

372 cals.
i'm having a juice box later which is 117, which will make my intake 489.
not bad, im pretty happy with that. also walked to and from school, 100 = 200 cals. good good. doing well today. i really  hope i dont fuck up. im so sick of fucking up.
i've decided to cut out:

• bread
• cheese
• chips
• all nuts but peanut m&m's. they are my favourite food. oh and peanut butter. i love it and i cant not have it. i've also decided to not cut out chocolate because i love it so much. but i've made a rule, if i'm having m&m's, chocolate, or peanut butter then i will not exceed over 200 cals. i may however go to 500 cals IF thats all i eat that day.

so yeah, i'm juts trying to stay under 500 for now. i'm trying to sleep more so i dont freak out becoz im tired and binge. i tend to do that. i also hvae to start walking again at night. i havnt been walking because i've been bloody binging but im going to today, even if its cold. i have bought a new jumper and i love it so i'll wear that. im continuing my situps and crunches and weights. so thats good. at least my abs can still be seen a lil bit under all that fat. im doing it properly this time. i think the thing that snapped me into this control is my exam results today. i got 94%. i. was. so. freaking. happy. but now i know that if i didnt spend 2 hours a day binging and purging and studied how i planned that i could maybe get 100%. hopefulyy. i wana be skinny, small, smart and successful. i will be that.
take care xx

willbeskinny.

I HATE MYSELF SO MUCH,
i want to die.
ive never cired so mych
ive never been so tired
and confused
and scared
and trapped.
im trapped by this fucking disease/
i need help but i cant fucking tell anyone beacuse it will ruin me
i would lose everyone
i would lose my mum
i would lose my sister
i would lose my boyfriend, he wont love me anymore if he kmnwe me .
i would lose my bestfriend, she wouldnt think that this is me. it'd kill her.
ksadfjhsldkafjxzcbhioaieryeujsa
I DONT KLNOW WAT TO DO'.

i hsve so much hw.
ive watsted my time on this fukcjbjkhsad thign,.
i hate myslef.

im too fat.

im 50 again.
im so fat.
i'm not going to blog for a while.
i need to be back on track.
i'm just going to allow myself 500 a day.
im not going to binge anymore
im not going to purge anymore. it hurts too much.
i look like crap.
my face seems fucked up and blotchy.
it hurts.
im not going to blog until in i'm the 40s again.
i want to be skinny.
i take up so much space.
its a wonder i even have a boyfriend.
how could he not be replused by this fat lard?
i dont understand at all.

take care x

im in a neverending cycle and its killing me.
starve, then binge, and then purge.
purge until i can taste acid.
purge until my stomach is concave again.
purge until i see blood.

i hate me.

thanks mum.

she is the reason i fucked up yesterday. i hardly was even awake and we had a massive arguement with words screaming out of our mouths and doors slamming and banging. in results: i binged. and purged.
3 fucking times.
i stuffed myself each time, until i was unable to move and i could hear my heart beating in my ears. purging was so easy coz all i had to do was just tip myself over and everything would fall out.
then at like 11pm i made noodles. i didnt want to purge it, i just wanted something warm and comforting and it was only 289cals. which isnt so bad considering i got most of everything i binged on. and i also took 4 laxatives so i didnt worry that much about it.
but then i couldnt keep it down. 2 hours after i had it, my stomach started flipping and the noodles was just coming up on its on accord. it was horrible because it was mixed with stomach acid and i felt like i was dying because my insides (stomach, throat, chest) felt like their were on fire.
i hate this. i dont want to purge anymore. i hate it so so so much. its gross, and it hurts. and i know if i dont stop it will kill me one day. i thought i was going to die last night. the pain was just so bad.
i've decided not to do the abc anymore. im just going to go with 500 cals.

seriously, bulimia is the worst fucking thing. i hate it. i am not going back. im not going to binge anymore either. i hate that too. whats the point? i dont need 3 days worth of food in one go. ahhhh
i dunno. im not even making sense i dont think, my head still hurts.

hmm stay strong. x

i fucked up big.

you cant break an already broken heart.