PIG

thats what my mum called me several times today.
pig. pig. pig. pig.
it hurt so much.
i burst into tears.
just because of this, i'm going to get so skinny, she'd be afraid to touch me.
you did this to me.
must be off for an hour run.
then 20 mins skipping.
thats like 400 cals burned.

not eating tomorrow.
school next day.
i hate me.
this is me:

i wanted to cut.
but i cant do that anymore.
my boyfriend will see and then its questions questions questions.
i cant explain okay?
i cant explain why i cut myself open or puke or starve.
its just me.

today? not so good.

i have no friends.

it's so sad. and so true.
all my friends that i was close to has drifted away.
stopped talking because i stopped talking them cause i believed i didn't need them as long as i had my bestfriend.
and now she's pushing me away, attacking me for her problems and i'm really getting sick of it. she doesnt know anything about my ED. my bulimia. she doesnt know i cut every so often. because of family. because of boyfriend and sometimes because of her. i understand shes going through something really tough now, but its not my fault.
i feel so lonely.
my boyfriend went out with his friends tonight, so i had no one to talk to tonight.
it feels weird.
i miss going out with groups of people. just hanging out. but because of my stupid choices, i have no one.
maybe i could blame my ED on this. but i seriously think its just my fault. i brought this on myself.
i dunno.
im sad.
sorry i'm ranting. i dont write in my diary anymore. it became to repetitive :
woke up, ate, binged purged. saw bf. binged purged. starved. worked out.
thats all i seem to write nowadays so i stopped.

i dont complain much at all. i have no one to complain too. and everytime i let a little complaint slip my lips, i get blown to pieces by other people telling me how shit their life is and mine is just so perfect i shouldnt say shit.
i cant help but think, everytime this happens : if only you knew what i have been through.
people are so quick to judge the book by their cover. it's really bad to do that. you could be so totally wrong.
i hate pretending im fucking okay when i'm not. the past keeps haunting me. family issues. sexual assults. bulimia. anorexia. self harmer. over eater. over excercising. i've been there.
BUT do i complain about them EVER to anyone? NO.
i write it down. in my blog. diary. and no one knows this is me.

i'm rambling. like a crazy person. maybe i am crazy. i somehow find comfort in that thought.
i'm crazy.
woohoo.

im sick of dealing with peoples shit. i'm sick of caring when no one gives the fuck about how i'm doing. im sick of life.

i wish i could start a new life.

my boyfriend thinks its okay for him to not take care of himself.
he thinks it doesnt hurt me.
he thinks i dont worry my brains out.
he thinks i dont cry.

well you know what?
i'm just going to starve. and purge.
and when you find out, IF you ever find out.
you'll know how it feels.

this may be mean or hypocritical or whatever, but im sick of it.
i hate it. and he dosnet get it. taste your own medicine.

wtf?

i dont get something.
i've gained weight
yet i can fit into my size 2 shorts?
WTF.
i couldnt fit into them before and... :S
wtf

tiny green apple= 30-50
fat free yogurt = 50-100
7 small cups of milo = 350

: 430-500

NO MORE FOOD TODAY.

bloody oath. cant believe i had that much calories just for fucking milo.
i swear.
ARGH.
water water water
diet coke diet coke diet coke

EXERCISE LIKE A FREAK.

im so unhappy.

these past few days,
i dont think i've ever felt so unhappy.
its not even like major,
its small, but it hurts so much. and i want to die so bad.
i dont know what it is.
my best friend is going through major things, and shes so unhappy too. i wish i could help her somehow. im so afriad she'll shut me out though.
my boyfriend.. i dont know. he seems to be pushin me to do things alot these days. and he says these mad speeches about how much he loves me and how much i mean to him and how i couldnt possibly love him more but.. they dont seem enough. their just words. whereas i bend over backwards to do everything for him. i used up all my savings on him to get him something he really wanted. like money from when i was 7 years old. used it all on him. without hesitation. i'd get him lunch when hes hungry. i'd travel for an hour just too see him for half.
i dont know. but it doesnt seem fair to me.
he says he'll do all these things for me.. but he never does.
and he always seems to tell me to do things that i don't want to do.
he'd ask a million times.. with the excuses "if you love me.." and "you never do anything i want.."
and eventually he'd get pissed off
so i agree.
even if i still dont want to.
and i cry.
all the time coz of him.
and he doesnt know.
it hurts so bad.

on top of that. mia is coming back. im fat. i want to die.

i want to ball my eyes out.
i want to cry forever.
bleed forever.

i've gained 2 kg.
and my bf has lost 5.






















im fatter then my boyfriend. wtf is that.