Katerina Graham

i really admire girls who look good/fun/pretty and especially when they can look cute when they make funny faces. i think they look 10 x prettier then they really are when they look all happy and smiley ! i was watchin vampire diaries the other day (major thinspo, all the girls are sooo thin!) and one of the actors Katerina Graham is in it and i think shes soooooo pretty. i googled her and found her modelling fotos and she just looks so fun and soooo thin!! anyways heres wat she looks like : thin, pretty, fun.

love her outfit.








i love her hair

epic fail.

well i remember previously today i posted that i was having a break with my relationship with mia.. turns out she wasnt the clingy one.






i'm the clingy one.


i ran back to her.. after an hour of saying i am ending my relationship with mia, i binged once again. i hate it when my mums goes food shopping. there is ALWAYS something that she gets that i like. this afternoon she got seasme bread sticks. i love them. so i decided to eat 2 long rolls. and then i had rice. and eggs. and 4 bowls of special k.



i then spend my next hour taking all the food out of me. i am in pain now. my knuckles hurt. my mouth is swollen. as are my eyes. my chest hurts and my stomach is churning. and i smell of puke.




FUCKING GREAT.






i will not eat.
i will not eat.
i will not eat.
i will not eat.
i will not eat.




i must not eat. or eating will lead hating myself even more.

I hate..

1. getting my period
2. how my stomach makes lines/rolls of fat when i sit down
3. that i have bigger thighs then my boyfriend
4. my love handles hanging over my underwear
5. my calves as they are incedibly huge and muscely
6. that the size 7 jeans i bought months ago still dosent fit properly
7. how my arm fat jiggles when i wave at someone
8. that when i look down my double chin magically appears
9. that i have no control over myself and i always eat and eat and eat and eat and eat
10. i hate not being happy with how i look

Think I've reached a point.

A scary point. I think I've been purging way too much that I've started to see some effects. These include:

• chest pains
• stomach churning ( I really have no idea what the hell this is and it's scaring me, its like rumbling but not the hunger pains, more like moving around rollercoasters inside. It dosent make me feel sick but just gets me paraniod. I'm often asking "What the hells going on in there?!")
• tasting blood. This one is new to me. After a year of throwing up constantly it's the first ever time blood has found its way up too.
• puffy cheeks
• the top of my mouth on the inside is swollen. i forgot what their called.. glands? :S (note to self: study science ! since the topic we're going to be learning is about how the digestive system works, the information could be quite useful because I have absolutely no idea what goes on in the insides of everybody. literally.
• swollen tonsils. my fingers have found that they have become big and sore.

sooo i'm going to try my absolute best to stop purging for as long as i can. the longest i go on without it is only one day. mia is really really clingy, and its not like i'm complaining, i absolutely love her but i really need time to sort things out in my head and just give us a little time apart because i just cant deal with eating and rushing into my room, sticking my fingers down my throat and watching my breakfast/lunch/dinner/ snack/binge fall into my bin. it's just so not pretty and i feel like absolute crap before and after i purge.

so mia i want to say goodbye ? but of course its not for forever (i cant even survive a day, the thought of giving up on her forever scares the hell out of me) but maybe for a couple of days? i miss the hunger feeling. i want it back. but i have a feeling i might fail and eat a shit load of junk and just run back to mia. but i will try absolutely everything to stay away as long as possible. farewell mia.. i'm sure i'll be back soon but hopefully not that soon.

x

i feel like a fat slob.

title says all. just kept fucking eating today. my throat fucking kills. i bet i'll die of obesity one day. FML.

Hi, Je m'appele Krystal

I've decided to create a blog where I can finally let out certain aspects of my life that I keep secret. I call it my "other life". In this life, I am surrounded by monsters. My name is Krystal, and everything is dark and scary. I lose my head and I lose tract of what's going on in my real life and who I really am. In this life, i have a addiction. An addicition I thought I would never, ever, ever have.
Well first of all, to speak of my addiction is hard because I've been in denial for a while, and only just recently I had to face the truth that I actually have a problem. I am bulimic.
This "addiction" has been going on for a year. And at first I thought it was nothing to worry about, I mean I heard people get hooked into it and can't stop once they start, but I NEVER thought I would become one of those people and be part of this maddening loop.
Now I've made this blog to simply let out everything that goes on in my head, because I simply cannot leave everything bottled up inside because I have no one to talk to as no one know about this "other life" of mine.
I've seen numerous amount of blogs with girls talking about their ED and so I've decided to make one too and just let out all emotion I normally keep in.
Well at first, I wasn't hooked. It started maybe from once every two weeks? to maybe once a week? then i stopped. And I didnt do it for a long time.
Of course this started because I wanted to lose weight. I mean come on.. who dosent want to lose those extra 2-3 kilos? And well I just wanted to stop eating.. so much. And the day I started I had food and just decided to get rid of it? I was like "heyy.. why not try that and I can stop eating starting from tomorow? "
And then I just stopped eating. Well stopped eating as much as I used to. I started chewing and spitting instead. And that worked for a while. I lost 6 kilos in 3 weeks of chewing and spitting. I was absolutely thrilled. I started at 56.5 kilos (124.3 pounds) and in just three weeks I was down to 50.5 kilos (111 pounds).
Of course my mother noticed my weight lose, and stupid me gloated about it everyday. I was addicted. Chew, Spit, Weigh. Chew, Spit, Weigh. Watching the numbers go down felt so good. I felt pretty.
But my mum was really on my case then. Started to take me to doctors and the school year advisor got involved. I was pissed off. But to make my mother happy, I started to eat my meals again. I didnt eat breakfast or at school. I just had dinner in front of her when she came home and sometimes lunch. Then of course, I just started eating all meals again. And welcome back fatty.
I went to 52 kilos, then 53, then 54 and then just kept going up. So then i welcomed back my old friend mia. The one i used to hang with once a week. then twice a week. then three times.
"What you talking about? I dont have a problem. I can stop if I want to." Of course i was just lying to myself. I managed to just get over it. I stopped caring about gaining weight and just wanted to go back to how I was before. But then I found a new motivation. My closest friend started losing TONS of weight. I mean she was skinnier then me before but then she just got thinner and sooo much prettier. Well jealousy is a curse, and it hit me hard in the face. She was already everything I wanted to look like, and then I just turned into a fat slob next to her. I love her to bits coz shes been with me through thick and thin but I just wished and wished to be on the same level as her ! I always seemed to be one step behind..
Holidays were the worst. I went back to my FATTEST weight I've ever been my entire life. 58 kilos. (127.6pounds.) I came back from my holiday and my friend got skinner. It was like she was giving me all her fat. Or I just took her fat. But that was when Mia came back.
I started seeing her 5 times a week. Once every two days. Everyday. 3-5 times a day. I was in a loop. The numbers started going down again. 57 , 56.5, 56, 55.5, 55, 54.5 , 54, 53, 52, 51.5 . Right now I am 52.
I would starve, then eat, then throw up. Next day: Starve, eat, purge. Day after: Starve, eat, purge. At one point I would eat, purge, eat, purge, eat purge numerous times in a day.
I was addicted.
I am wishing to stop seeing Mia. But the most I can go on without seeing her is one day. But then doing it wasnt just about losing weight. If I had a fight with someone, I would go eat (even when I wasn't hungry) and just throw it up.
It was my sense of relief.
My escape.
And now it's just my nightmare.
I'm sorry my first post is so long.
I just want to let everything be clear before I let out all emotions to this blog.
And if anyone reads this, I appreciate it that you took your time to read about my crazy "other life".
But for now, I say Au Revoir ! And I will be back as often as I can to update my "other life" :)

xx Krystal Klear.