my sister discovered something about the word "live" today.
"live is evil backwards".
somehow i find that very ironic.
Saturday, February 6, 2010
WTF HAPPENED TO ME TODAY !?
I ATE SO FUCKING MUCH
I HATE MYSELF
I'VE BEEN STARVING AND MY BELLY FINALLY FUCKING DISAPPEARED
AND TODAY
GUESS WHAT ?
I HAVE A HUGE BELLY STICKING OUT OF MY TORSO.
i really hate myself now. i just binged again. and i'm gettin ready to go purge. how did this happen to me? i want to die. crawl under a rock and die. i wish i had a massive paper bag to cover all of me so no one would see how ugly i am. i want to cut so bad but i cant. my boyfriend will notice. he did before and i told him i got bored.. he looked at me like "wtf, are you serious? cutting yourself because you simply were bored?" and i just smiled and nodded and said "yeap i'm a freak" and he laughed. i dont think he really believed me though. he had a look of concern on the face but he didnt persue the subject. but that dosent help me at all. i want to cut so so bad. i wana bleed.
okay, i just tried purging for half an hour. all that came up was water and abit of what i ate. in a way i'm sort of glad i didnt get anything out. i hate purging. and while i was trying to do it just now, i kept thinking "i dont want to do this anymore." so i've formed a plan.
1. i will try my HARDEST to stop purging. i cant handle it anymore. the secrets. the lying. the hiding. the time wasted when i couldve been studying or doing unfinished hw. i just want to stop. so tomorow, or the next day, i'm going to empty out my bin filled with vomit. its so gross. it has like 2 days worth of food inside it. smiles horrible. and it weighs 5.5kg. i dunno why but i weigh my vomit? it just makes me think that if i didnt purge that i'd be 5.5kg heavier. that thought really scares me, so in order to not gain weight i have another plan.
2. i am not going to eat. i will fast tomorrow and on monday. if i eat on tuesday it will either be celery/carrot/green apple/lollipop. it will be my new plan/diet. i want to be hungry forever. forever empty. i will be skinny. and thin. and light. and most of all, beautiful.
4. exercise, exercise, exercise. i've always wanted abs. i'm going to get abs. i wanted abs before my ED formed. so i'm walking/running everyday for an hour. and 750-1000 situps/crunches/reverse situps a day. 100 lunges. and i will increase that amount every second week. i will have a skinny and toned body and reach 45-48 kilos soon and stay there.
3. i will knuckle down and study my ass off every night ! i'm sick of being behind on hw or topics. i want to be ahead of everyone ! and i will do it! i want to be a smart and skinny nerd!
so that's that. im hoping i will give up on mia. ana's been with me for the last few days and i really liked what shes done. got rid of my belly. made me feel light. made my bones more dominant and taken weight off me. i want her to stay. i love mia, but shes too much to handle. i dont know if i will completely let her go. i havnt been able to survive a day without her these couple weeks. but i will start from tomorrow. i hope i'll be able to do it.
hope everyone else is doing better than me. xx
I HATE MYSELF
I'VE BEEN STARVING AND MY BELLY FINALLY FUCKING DISAPPEARED
AND TODAY
GUESS WHAT ?
I HAVE A HUGE BELLY STICKING OUT OF MY TORSO.
i really hate myself now. i just binged again. and i'm gettin ready to go purge. how did this happen to me? i want to die. crawl under a rock and die. i wish i had a massive paper bag to cover all of me so no one would see how ugly i am. i want to cut so bad but i cant. my boyfriend will notice. he did before and i told him i got bored.. he looked at me like "wtf, are you serious? cutting yourself because you simply were bored?" and i just smiled and nodded and said "yeap i'm a freak" and he laughed. i dont think he really believed me though. he had a look of concern on the face but he didnt persue the subject. but that dosent help me at all. i want to cut so so bad. i wana bleed.
okay, i just tried purging for half an hour. all that came up was water and abit of what i ate. in a way i'm sort of glad i didnt get anything out. i hate purging. and while i was trying to do it just now, i kept thinking "i dont want to do this anymore." so i've formed a plan.
1. i will try my HARDEST to stop purging. i cant handle it anymore. the secrets. the lying. the hiding. the time wasted when i couldve been studying or doing unfinished hw. i just want to stop. so tomorow, or the next day, i'm going to empty out my bin filled with vomit. its so gross. it has like 2 days worth of food inside it. smiles horrible. and it weighs 5.5kg. i dunno why but i weigh my vomit? it just makes me think that if i didnt purge that i'd be 5.5kg heavier. that thought really scares me, so in order to not gain weight i have another plan.
2. i am not going to eat. i will fast tomorrow and on monday. if i eat on tuesday it will either be celery/carrot/green apple/lollipop. it will be my new plan/diet. i want to be hungry forever. forever empty. i will be skinny. and thin. and light. and most of all, beautiful.
4. exercise, exercise, exercise. i've always wanted abs. i'm going to get abs. i wanted abs before my ED formed. so i'm walking/running everyday for an hour. and 750-1000 situps/crunches/reverse situps a day. 100 lunges. and i will increase that amount every second week. i will have a skinny and toned body and reach 45-48 kilos soon and stay there.
3. i will knuckle down and study my ass off every night ! i'm sick of being behind on hw or topics. i want to be ahead of everyone ! and i will do it! i want to be a smart and skinny nerd!
so that's that. im hoping i will give up on mia. ana's been with me for the last few days and i really liked what shes done. got rid of my belly. made me feel light. made my bones more dominant and taken weight off me. i want her to stay. i love mia, but shes too much to handle. i dont know if i will completely let her go. i havnt been able to survive a day without her these couple weeks. but i will start from tomorrow. i hope i'll be able to do it.
hope everyone else is doing better than me. xx
Friday, February 5, 2010
Topic 3: mia is taken over me completely. though ana does stick around during the day
i cant last all day without food because i have school. but when i get home. at like 4 or 5pm i eat. sometimes alot, sometimes a lil. but i purge. till everything is gone. till i taste acid. and then i last till it comes to 10-11pm. i eat again. and purge again. till everything is gone. till i taste acid.
the other day blood came up. and i didnt even stop. just kept going. kind of freaked me out, but i managed to keep on going.
"dont stop, all the food aint out of you yet. if you stop now, it'd stick to you and you'll be a fat idiot forever." whispered mia as the toilet bowl filled with the colour scarlet.
so yeah, i didnt stop. i did it again the next day. and again the day after. i'm officially addicted to purging. its so bad, but i cant stop. ah well. at least i'm gettin skinnier. thats the positive in this stupid fucked up situation.
the other day blood came up. and i didnt even stop. just kept going. kind of freaked me out, but i managed to keep on going.
"dont stop, all the food aint out of you yet. if you stop now, it'd stick to you and you'll be a fat idiot forever." whispered mia as the toilet bowl filled with the colour scarlet.
so yeah, i didnt stop. i did it again the next day. and again the day after. i'm officially addicted to purging. its so bad, but i cant stop. ah well. at least i'm gettin skinnier. thats the positive in this stupid fucked up situation.
Topic 2: school is completly shit.
i mean it literally shit. i just hate sociallising now. i like to be alone. i like to be isolated. the only person i stay with at school is my best friend. and my boyfriend. but thats about it. everyone just irratates me so much these days. one look from anyone and i wana punch them in the face. lol
even my other friends, i cant be bothered to hang with them/talk to them/ go out with them. it just seems like so much effort. and i always think i look like the needy one trying to please them and try to be the best friend i could be to them. yet they dont seem to try at all. and so i'm sick of it. sick of trying to please people. in the end.. whats the point really? all for nothing.
and the work load now is really starting to pile on. every subject we get hw now. and have exams in like 5-6 weeks. and assesments and assignments. i'm going insane. balancing my ED and studies is becoming so stressful and struggling. theres another topic i wana talk about.. next post.
even my other friends, i cant be bothered to hang with them/talk to them/ go out with them. it just seems like so much effort. and i always think i look like the needy one trying to please them and try to be the best friend i could be to them. yet they dont seem to try at all. and so i'm sick of it. sick of trying to please people. in the end.. whats the point really? all for nothing.
and the work load now is really starting to pile on. every subject we get hw now. and have exams in like 5-6 weeks. and assesments and assignments. i'm going insane. balancing my ED and studies is becoming so stressful and struggling. theres another topic i wana talk about.. next post.
Topic 1: insomnia has taken over me
well at first, i didnt have a choice to not sleep. my assignment was due this week and i havnt finished it because i didnt understand the questions. so on sunday night i stayed up till 3. got up at 6. 3 hours sleep. i was soo tired the whole day on monday, i was literally dead woman walking. (dead fat woman walking.) i kept nodding off randomly in class. i expected to sleep that day. but i didnt. i asked the teacher about the assignment, he answered my questions and i stayed up till 2 doing my assignment. 4 hours sleep. i was completely trashed the next day. i didnt know if i was awake or sleeping. and the rest of the week i've just had 5 hours sleep everyday.
i dunno about anyone else but i need a good 7-8 hours to be on top of everything the next day. and well i've finished my assignment, but i'm still staying up and sleeping less then usual.
its completely killing me.
i miss sleep!
i love sleep!
i want to sleep right now! but theres always something thats keeping me awake. like a constant reminder of nothing? if that makes sense? i dont know.
i dunno about anyone else but i need a good 7-8 hours to be on top of everything the next day. and well i've finished my assignment, but i'm still staying up and sleeping less then usual.
its completely killing me.
i miss sleep!
i love sleep!
i want to sleep right now! but theres always something thats keeping me awake. like a constant reminder of nothing? if that makes sense? i dont know.
a number of topics to talk about
yes, i havnt been posting frequently. schools just taken everything but i'm still reading peoples blogs. just havnt had time to actually write in mine. and so, there is a numerous of things i want to talk about so im just going to post them seperately otherwise this post will turn in to a massive long boring rambling. and nobody likes to read ramblings.
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
i think he knows
reasons:
1. i never eat when with him. and i spend nearly all day with him and as he gets hungry, he gets suspicious if i say i'm not hungry if it's been more then 4-5 hours since i've had "breakfast". note: i never have breakfast. lol
2. he inisits on buying me food. "let me buy you lunch", "arnt you hungry? lets go get something to eat.", "what do you want? cake? ice-cream? lollies? chips? maccas?" (it always, ALWAYS seems to be junk food that is mentioned first, obviously i say:NO.)
3. i have mentioned months before that i wanted to lose weight. and i was going to do it. he didnt seem that against it when i mentioned it. that was a bonus (Y)
4. the things i used to like, i do not like no more. eg. chocolate, ice-cream. i havnt had chocolate since last year. and i hope it stays that way because i am very proud of my achievement. woop woo. of course how can you just hate something you once loved? easy, the "love" was showing on my thighs.
5. he mentioned that why i'm "in this phase" and i look "perfect" the way i am. i hardly answer when it comes to these questions. nod, laugh, smile. i wont look so perfect to you if you knew what i did everyday.
maybe he's just worried. or maybe i'm too obvious. whatever the reason, i did eat in front of him today. just to prove to him i was fine. it was a salad though. only 36 cals. thank god. but i still didnt want to eat it. i have a hard time keeping solids down as i find it hard to make them come back up.
hmm. when will i get out of this "phase" you say? i dunno. tomorow. next month. next year. next decade. um maybe never?
1. i never eat when with him. and i spend nearly all day with him and as he gets hungry, he gets suspicious if i say i'm not hungry if it's been more then 4-5 hours since i've had "breakfast". note: i never have breakfast. lol
2. he inisits on buying me food. "let me buy you lunch", "arnt you hungry? lets go get something to eat.", "what do you want? cake? ice-cream? lollies? chips? maccas?" (it always, ALWAYS seems to be junk food that is mentioned first, obviously i say:NO.)
3. i have mentioned months before that i wanted to lose weight. and i was going to do it. he didnt seem that against it when i mentioned it. that was a bonus (Y)
4. the things i used to like, i do not like no more. eg. chocolate, ice-cream. i havnt had chocolate since last year. and i hope it stays that way because i am very proud of my achievement. woop woo. of course how can you just hate something you once loved? easy, the "love" was showing on my thighs.
5. he mentioned that why i'm "in this phase" and i look "perfect" the way i am. i hardly answer when it comes to these questions. nod, laugh, smile. i wont look so perfect to you if you knew what i did everyday.
maybe he's just worried. or maybe i'm too obvious. whatever the reason, i did eat in front of him today. just to prove to him i was fine. it was a salad though. only 36 cals. thank god. but i still didnt want to eat it. i have a hard time keeping solids down as i find it hard to make them come back up.
hmm. when will i get out of this "phase" you say? i dunno. tomorow. next month. next year. next decade. um maybe never?
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