i dont want to lose him.

i havnt blogged in a while.
been having exams.
still b/p
and now
i think i might lose the most important person in my life.

maybe its exams.
but i cant help but think its me.
because thats the only thing that makes sense.
i'm shit.
i'm worthless.
i'm ugly.
i'm stupid.
i'm fat.
he's finally realised.

i'm so scared.
no more iloveyous
no more imissyous 5 min after seeing him
no more i wana see you
no more love in his eyes.

i wont be able to deal with it if he breaks up with me.
i gave him everything.
i knew it wasn't enough, but i always went to my extreme limits to give him what he wants.
why cant i be good enough ?
i hate myself so much.
and i cant bear the thought of him hating me too.

i love him so much.
i wont be able to handle it without him.

i just cant do it.
it'd kill me.
i'd start cutting.
i already want to cut.
he wont notice.
he doesn't notice me anymore,
he said he wont put anyone above me
he said i'll always come first.
but he lied.
i'm the last one he goes to.
even if i'm standing there by myself.
he's with his friends 2 feet behind me.
andnothing.

i dont regret loving him.
but what if its a mistake?
what if this is what kills me?
what if it was all just a game?

"i love you"
"it's hard to be away from you"
"i miss you already"
"your the most important to me"
"your mine."

i am his. why did i become so dependent on him ?
i knew only fools depended on other people, beacuase everyone will always, always. no matter who they are, disappoint you. fail you.
it was so difficult to accept that i've become vulnerable again.
i dont want to slip back into depression.
it was so awful.
and all because of love.


i dont know what to do.
i need help.
help me.


Dear C-
you'll never read this. but just know, everyday, everynight, i think of you constantly. i worry about you. whether you've had enough rest, whether everythings alright at home, whether you've eaten. i just want you to know, i've never loved anyone as much as i love you. you mean so much to me, losing you, would be the end of the world to me. the thought of it scares me to hell. and when i think of it i just want to die. i dont want to be without you. it hurts to be even one cm away from you. it hurts so much when you ignore me when your friends are there. its like i'm non-existant. its like you dont love me. its like you dont even know me. i can feel pain ripple through me. it cuts so deep. but i'm okay with it. i like it when your with your friends. even if you have to ignore me. i mean they were there when i wasnt. way before i was in the picture. so it's okay. i dont mind. i love you so much and i want to keep you all to myself, but everyone needs time for others. they cant just stick with one person every minute of everyday. i mean i get sick of me too. of course you'd hate to be with me every second. i understand. but what is going on? i understand about exams, im stressed too. but why are you treating me like i did something wrong? did i ? why cant you tell me? do you know how much it hurts? to have you speak one word responses? to see the cold distand way you talk to me? do you know how much it hurt today to look you in the eye? and notice something was definately different?
its like being plunged into icy water.
being stabbed with a knife
its like falling down, when you've missed a step on the stairs
its like being winded
you promised me you'd love me always.
and even if i did believe you, i found it hard because i was way too lucky to deserve you.
but i believed you. and i cant take that faith back.
it hurts. and i'd rather die then deal with the pain.
i'm sorry if i've misintepreted everything.
i'm sorry for believeing you if you didnt mean it.
but you were so goddamn convincing.
please just tell me if its me.
please just end it now then if thats what you want.
dont drag it on.
dont not talk to me.
i'm dying please.
i love you.

99% fat free italian salad dressing has 26 calories one serving.

Mum "you do know thats fattening right?"

you know what mum? fuck you. yeah i'm going to gain 100000000000000kilos when i have 3 servings of salad dressing yeah?
i'm gona be fat.
and then overweight.
and then obese.
and then i'll die of fatness yeah?

when i die of this disease, when i'm puking up salad dressing and lettuce 5 times a day. i hope you regret this comment.
i really do.
you have no idea how fucking painful that was.
you have no fucking idea what i'm going through.
















i am in the worst state in my life. binging and purging everyday. everything is shit. i hate myself. i'm pretty certain, if this continues, i'm going to die very soon.

im fucked in the head. in other news, i didnt binge for the first time in over a month

maybe its not easy.
but its simpler to say everything fine/perfect/okay/good
then to explain in pages and pages of words that everything isnt fine/perfect/okay/good in intricate detail.

havnt updated in a while

well, this month has been utterly crap. i've b/p everyday more then 2 times. funny enough, i never lost my gag reflex. i was waiting for it to fuck off so i wouldnt be able to do it. but its become so easy now to purge. i hate it. the lies. the sleepless nights. the hours wasted. the chainsaw throat. the bloodshot eyes. im dying internally.
but i still cant seem to stop. its become apart of me now, and some days, i actually look forward to do it. how insane is that? maybe i am insane.

ah well, the only good thing in my life right now is my boyfriend. i feel like crap when i'm lying to him but there is no fucking way im telling him this side of me. weirdest thing happened today.
i dont eat during the day. only when i get home at like 4 or 5.
i bought my boyfriend lunch and he started feeding me abit. when he wasnt looking, i spat it out in my hand.
it was wrong i guess, but i couldnt keep it in me. my throat literally felt like it was closing up.
i felt bad.
but i cant do it.
and thats something i dont get. if i cant eat, why do i keep stuffing myself?
doesnt make sense.
or maybe it does. i only eat, so i can stuff and get rid of it. i cant eat if im not getting rid of it.
i see now.
i dont know.
not sure if i'll update anymore.
maybe, possibly.
we'll see. x

i hate myself.

deleted yesterdays post

i duno,
i keep changing my mind.
i think i'm going to stick to 500 then 300.
i just think if i stuck to 300, i would slip up.
so i'm going to take it slow.
get used to no food first.
and i mite just have my goal as 47 right now.
i dunno.
confused.
weirdo.
yes i am.

back under 50. woo

mums losing weigh too.
shes 46.
bitch.

i dont care if shes 12 cm shorter then me, i just think its wrong for daughters to weigh more. mums should have the extra fat. daughters should be slim and pretty. mums should be pretty too, but bigger. ahh iuno.
i shouldnt be jealous but i am. lol
cant help it.
anyways.
today i had:
2 hard candies: 44
pumpkin soup: 77
special k bar: 89
lettuce and italian dressing: 39

having juice box again later which is 117. which then makes my intake 366. i might have more lettuce later. maybe i dont know. or an apple. nah not an apple. ergh yesterday i found out my favourite cheese cubes are 20 cals each.. and i used to eat tons of them without thinking.. idiot.

ah well. was a alrite day. boyfriend upset me abit though. we were joking around and then he goes "nope, i'm not talking anymore." and does that thing where you lock your lips and throw away the key.
we didnt talk for like 20 mins. just walking in silence. i wanted to die. i kept thinking about jumping in front of a car because i wasnt good enough for him. and i wanted to apologize even if it wasnt my fault. i feel like everythings my fault. i think i'm getting depressed. i cry alot these days. for no reason. and scary thoughts come into my mind, like how i should die and how i should cut and take pills and jump of the bridge because i dont deserve to live. ahhh i need to clear my head. i hate thinking like this. it hurts.

ah well he apologised later for not talking and told me he loved me.
why would you love me? im shit.


i've been doing good eating wise. very good.

must do homework now.. bye bye. xx