i fit into my size 7 jeans.

i bought these jeans in july last year.
i havnt been able to fit into them fully for 7 months after buying them.
i finally am able to fit into them comfortable.
a size 7 in australia
is a size 3 in US? i think. i went online to convert lol.
i have 3 more sizes to loose to get to a zero.
you know i used to be a size 10-12. thats 6-8 in US.
i've lost half my size then? WoOp WoO. well i hope the converting thing wasnt lying. coz if it was... XP
i can do it.
i will do it.
and i wont take that long trying to get there.
I CAN DO IT.

p.s. my sister is the biggest bitch in the world. i asked her if i looked okay when i put on my jeans. she's like "no, it dosent look good." i felt so shit and i was like are you serious? and shes like "no no i'm kidding god." so i'm like "well then can you just stop joking around seriously? everytime you say stuff like that makes me want to kill myself. i hope you'll be happy when i fucking die." and what did she say in response? absolutely nothing. thats how fucking heartless she is. not even a fucking sorry.

i loathe selfishness.
i loathe people who are self-centered.
i loathe people who don't consider other people's emotions.
i loathe people who are careless enough to hurt others.

if i was selfish, i would kill myself.
if i was self-cenetered, i'd only think of me and i'd boast about my ED to make sure everyone knew my feelings and how shit my life is.
if i didnt consider other people's emotions, i would've hurt all the one's i love a million times more then i already have.
if i was careless, i'd be the coldest person in this world.

i dont understand people who put themselves first.

i felt happy today

i did really well in one of my assignment.
100% for my speech.
and 92% for my written.
WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
i was so suprised! my teacher pulled people one at a time out of the classroom to discuss and he asked me what i think i got out of 20. and in my head i'm like "i bet i got a fucking zero." but i didnt want to say that out loud so i'm like "um... 10?15?" and he's like you got full marks.
i was like *SCREAM omg !
ahahaha
all those sleepless night spending hours on the computer reading up information on at least 100 websites. bawling my eyes out because i didnt understand any of the questions. trying to keep myself awake with all my strength in class the next day.
IT PAYED OFF.
FUCK YES!
hahah
wooooo woooo
happy man, really happy.

.. now to fast for the weekend and get under 50kg!
THEN i'll be ecstatic.

i cant stop

i wont stop.
i just cant do it.
i wont stop when it hurts.
i wont stop when its suffocating me.
i wont stop when i see blood.
i just wont stop.
i just cant bring myself to stop.

i want to stop.
but i really dont know how.

i absolutely love this quote. Winter girls, one of my favourite books of all time.

Why? You want to know why?
Step into a tanning booth and fry yourself for two or
three days. After your skin bubbles and peels off, roll in
coarse salt, then pull on long underwear woven from spun
glass and razor wire. Over that goes your regular clothes,
as long as they are tight.
Smoke gunpowder and go to school to jump through
hoops, sit up and beg, and roll over on command. Listen to
the whispers that curl into your head at night, calling you
ugly and fat and stupid and bitch and whore and worst
of all “a disappointment.” Puke and starve and cut and
drink because you don’t want to feel any of this. Puke and
starve and cut and drink because you need an anesthetic
and it works. For a while. But then the anesthetic turns
into poison and by then it’s too late because you are mainlining
it now, straight into your soul. It is rotting you and
you can’t stop.
Look in a mirror and find a ghost. Hear every heartbeat
scream that everysinglething is wrong with you.
“Why?” is the wrong question.
Ask “Why not?”

He said, She said.

so today my boyfriend said...
"your so small. i bet i could wrap my arms around you twice." he said
"no you cant, i'm not that small." i said
"i can feel your ribs! your so skinny man! and you still think your fat." he said
"no you cant, you have to press and dig in to feel them" i said.
"no, really i can feel them." he said

i was happy happy happy after these two comments. i dont think i've ever been called "small" before. but then..
my sister said after i told her what my boyfriend said..
"why is he lying to you?"

.....

talk about killing my day. in result i was depressed and i ate. I FUCKING ATE. and i got rid of it straight away. it was funny. i didnt even had much and i felt SOOOOO FULL. like i ate a truck load of things. but i didnt. i had:
- this egg thing with vegetables around it. no idea how many cals
- a dumpling
- my sour cream
- this rice thing with like some kind of beans in it.

not much. but i felt so full and sick. like i was going to puke. so i did. lol.
SHAME ON ME.
restricting again tomorrow.

i havnt purged in two days. THATS A FUCKING NEW RECORD! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.
all i've been consuming to stay away from fainting is:
light peanut butter (its like half the cals of normal peanut butter. when my mum got it and i checked the back i literally jumped in excitement. LOL)
light sour cream (one container is like 400 cals. i dont normally eat the whole thing in a day, half or a quarter but today i consumed it all. i felt bad and thought about purging but i didnt.)
milo (20 cals a tablespoon. ohh yeahh. this stuff keeps me going.)
coffee ( it helps me stay awake during lessons in the morning. haha)
diet coke (seriously, to the person who invented this: your a fucking legend.)
waterrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr !

so that's all i've been having these past couple of days. no solid food. nope nope. i feel lighter already and my stomach has FINALLY shrunk abit after days and days of endless binging and purging. i was afraid it was a permanant thing. phew. i havnt weighed myself in a week though. i'm so scared. i think i'll weigh on the weekend if i can keep this up for the next couple of days. i think i can. i can. i can. i can. i will. i will. i will.

x