why do i bother

sometimes i think i try too much.
i give too much.
i love too much.
and it all just backfires back on me.
like some massive explosion.
all my efforts turn to dust.
why can't i be good enough?
why can't anyone be appreciative enough for the things i do for them?
why is it, i'm always the one that has to make the first move? or the one that has to make the most effort?
is it so hard, to consider someone else?

i think i did it again. i believed in something that wasnt there. my worst nightmare. i really dont like being jerked around. my heart can only break so many times till its uprepairable.

"it's not you, its me"
i've heard this phrase too many times to know that the problem is actually me. please, just tell me the truth.

i want to die.
the pain, is too much.
i hope theres a heaven.
please let there be a heaven.

why is it when nice things are said to me i want to yell and scream and cry?
whatswrongwithme?
everything.

another half a kilo gone ! most up and down week ever.

well this week started off fairly well but ended in a shit hole and my head in the bin with puke all over my fingers/hair/floor/mouth.

i spent monday, tuesday and wednesday with boyfriend. it twas a very good 3 days. we talked, laughed, walked, held hands, kissed, and even communicated without saying any words. ( i thought this was quite cute coz it was like we knew what each other was saying just by looking at each other's facial expressions. i was LOL'ing on the inside. it was like we were in sync :)) and for the first time ever... i wrote him a love letter. it took me ages and ages to write coz i couldnt find the write words to explain how much i love him and how much he means to me. but i did it, and he loved it. so yay ! haha its so lovely being with him. and he is so lovely. sometimes i wish i could tell him this secret part of me but i'm so scared he would leave. but i'm even more scared if he tried to get me help. i dont want help. i want to be fucked in the head for the rest of my life as insane as that sounds. but i do love him, and maybe one day i'll tell him and maybe he'll understand and still want to stay with me, but for now... shh.

but yeah started off a good week, but from thursday started going real shit. school started, and i hate school so much right now. i just can't stick to be around people. everyones just so stupid and annoying and nosy and just loves to cause problems and get into people's businesses. it's just so high school and friends you dont know who to trust coz they'll just talk about you when your not there. and now that its year 12 and last year of school, all the teachers are saying "it's the last year and your HSC, make memories and study hard!" and then roll in the homework/assignments/tests/exams.
*sigh. i have started studying but i really can't be bothered sometimes. i know i'm smart, but i'm just lazy. (explains why i'm fat.) ergh.

anyways, yeah just not happy bout school started. i dont get to see my boyfriend as much since no one knows we're dating. (we're keeping it quiet coz we don't want the attention and plus the less people that know, the less people that can fuck it up for us since most relationships have some kind of bump in result of other people).
but yeah, i dunno, the plus side that's schools started is that i dont eat all day! WOO ! in result, half a kilo gone:). but the purging is getting worse. i eat at night and although i don't each as much i spend an hour trying to get everythingsinglething out. it hurts. i'm gettin really bad stomach pains, but i'm no where near stopping what i do. its my only way to deal with shit.

family isnt going too well. me and my mum keep fighting. and this kind of triggers me to purge. even if i'm not hungry i'll eat just so i can purge. because when i do i feel like the weight on my shoulders lift a little bit.
i feel relieved.

but yes!!!!!! i weighed today and 51kg ! wooohooooooo ! starving for the rest of today and tomorowww ! and hopefully i'll be 50.5kg soon. my lowest weight. and then hopefully i'll get into the 40s soon. ahhh that sounds really really exciting.

anyways another shit thing that happened this week. one of my friends is stealing my idea for her 18th birthday. i am so fucking pissed. i was crying my eyes out. i felt so stupid but she knew it was my idea first and she stole it ! its really not fair coz her birthday's before mine and if i did it.. i'd look like the idiot that tried to copy a good party.

i dont care. at least i'm gettin skinnier then her ! LOL
she can do whatever she wants. i'll drink until i puke. oh yeahh. i spent my 17th birthday puking. and i guess my 18th wont be any differnt. just that this time i'll be puking alcohol instead of cake. and hopefully i'll be 8 kilos lighter.

but yeahh thats about it that happened this week. hopefully next week will be better. i'm going to have to start my assignment and hw now. :(
bye !

take care lovelies
xx K
"nothing tastes as good as thin feels.."

i hate my family.

mums a bitch.
dads in jail for beating up his own daughter.
sisters not even my blood.

wtf kind of family is this?
just cuts and bruises and a whole lot of bleeding.

sorry i havnt posted in a while

just schools started and i've had alot to do.
and i havnt really been in a good mood.
especially today
but i promise i'll post a good long one tomoroow with thinspo.
take care xx

yayyyyyyyyyyyyyy

i was worried for nothing ! :)
went out with bf and friends
and i didnt eat anything !!!!!!! woooooooooo !
i just said i wasnt hungry
and it workeddddddd
and i lost half a kilo!!!!
yayyyyyyyyyyyyyyy

ahaha
anyways
the body i want :


freja beha.
i loooooooooooooooooove her legs.
omomomomom.

being hungry is worth it if i get to look like this.

OMGG i went to see boyfriend and my stomach just kept rumbling like i had a kitten purring in my stomach.
i wanted to punch it.
ergh
but no food today!
wooooooooooooooooo
:)
another half kilo.. go away please?
yes?
go?
go.
i dont want you anymore.

go away and dont EVER come back.

i found the body i want to look like.

will post pictures of her tomorow.
right now i am dead dead dead tired.
nite !